the open road.

new direction

2007-10-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

i've had this blog for a number of years and have changed names a number of times. as of late, i felt that the blog lacked clarity in the providing a central theme although each entry had it's own value. (of course, i wrote 'em! hahaha!)

for the past few days, i've been pondering on creating new blogs, putting new stuff out on the net and ending this one. soooo, it looks like i'm at the crossroads and have chosen which direction to take. this will be my last entry for 'the open road'. it's been quite a ride, to tell you honestly. this is a shout out to everyone there who has read this blog. thank you.

i'll be moving on to writing in other blogs. i invite you to visit these (i know it's a shameless plug):

ARKITEKTURA: anything and everything about the built environment (all stuff about architecture)
Coffee House Conversations: A Way Station Brimming with Ideas (a place to share ideas and here, I really invite you to comment and share your thoughts. we may stumble upon ideas that can change the world)
Bushido: The Path of the Warrior (my personal blog)

see you around!

on to a new path

2007-10-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

yesterday, my right foot was operated on for removal of a couple of plantar warts. i thought that it would be just fine to walk with those warts on my foot but for the past couple of weeks, it's been hurting quite a bit that i had to stop exercising, much less running. just imagine walking with small stones stuck in between your sole and the insole of the shoe.

and i'm getting into a triathlon. i'd have to get those warts removed or else feel the excruciating pain of conical warts pressing on my feet for 10 kilometers of run and 40 kilometers of bike. (ow!)

with that thought in mind, i went to my dermatologist to have it removed. i'd imagine it to be a walk in the park considering that i have an extremely high tolerance for pain. but then again, a number of the nerve endings end in the foot. yipee! it's just like stepping on makahiya.

so when my dermatologist stuck the needle into my foot, it felt like more of stepping on makahiya x10. not too bad but then again, there were four items to be operated on my foot and one of the warts was already deep that it was dealt with for a number of times. even with that amount of anaesthesia, i still felt the needle every time a new dosage was needed for it to be numb. that aside, i left the clinic with flying colors, feeling like a big boy who was brave in his right of passage. (let the chest-thumping begin!)

*****

as of this moment, honey would probably be flipping through her book of ontological meanings of human malaise (yes, jon, i tend to use ontological loosely these days). i myself have my own theory. it may be due to an inability to direct oneself to ones goal or dare i say, destiny. i will flip it around for a bit: it may be due to one being forced by others to go into a direction where they don't want to go.

and these conversations, i'm willing to be responsible for. i'm glad that the warts got removed and with it, getting rid of those conversations. i remember the story of jacob where God changed his gait forever. i feel like mine has been changed as well. a new walk, so to speak. as a turn a year older in a few minutes, this is a perfect opportunity to set a demarcation in my life, a new walk, a new beginning. i'm definitely off to a new path.

turning 28 has never been this good. it's only once that you experience it anyway.

the movements of life

2007-09-27T13:01:00.000+08:00

"let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf."
- rabindranath tagore

over the weekend, i received a message on my mobile informing me that the mom of one of my good friends passed away. from partying a day before and enjoying a wonderful weekend of dives in anilao, i've been informed of this. being one of my best buds, i felt for vince. a number of times i went to their house and saw how gracious his mom was. and even with their family's experience of life (the trappings of a struggling middle class family in the Philippines), it has always been a joy to be around them.

with those thoughts along with some memories i've accumulated over the years about them, i treaded back to manila. that same evening, i decided to go to the wake. i arrived just about the same time as they were preparing for service, a requiescat as some would refer to it. i didn't want to be inside yet and just stayed outside with some of our high school friends. after about 30 minutes, we all agreed to go inside and pay our due respects before we leave. upon entering, a friend of vince's mom was up in front giving her eulogy. a number of people spoke up and one of the last was vince's sister, trina.

it was very moving, to say the least. but at the end of what trina said was what amazed me the most. here was one person willing to let go and thank God for the opportunity to have a mom like her. that she wouldn't have the respect for all mothers if it weren't for her. that she was able to define beauty not through a dictionary but through a person. that indeed she was a gift.

the service ended as such. i stayed on for an hour more before i went home.

i was greeted by my godson upon my arrival. even while sleeping, i look upon him with so much gratitude. here was a life just starting to burst forth. with every breath, every undulation of his stomach, i experience the mystery of life all over again. such abundance.

from death to life. life seems overly paradoxical these days. or may i dare say all the time. the experience of birth and death, the movement of joy and grief, all are 2 sides of the same coin. sometimes, i just refuse to see it that way.

it seems as though life has been thrown at me full speed, no experience less than the other and i guess this is me continuously grasping how it is to live: with fullness in every aspect.

quote

2007-09-14T23:04:00.000+08:00

saw on a shirt today:

nobody trains to come second

hell, yeah.

loving each day

2007-07-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

i don't have words to describe this adventure yet. but i know it's been quite a ride so far.

thank you, yelle.

bundle of joy

2007-07-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

never expected how something over 7 pounds could change our lives forever. how at one moment we were these types of people and how at the next moment, we were different; it was as if wonder and amazement became palpably present.

thank you joaquin, for that who you are. if ever you read this when you are older, know that you have been loved since the beginning of time.

can't wait to play football with you, bud.

dare to dream

2007-06-11T12:53:00.000+08:00

to dare and dream, to be allowed as such is a privilege. to have it in actuality is a gift (and that blows my mind away).

*****

for the past 3 days, we had our first camp for underprivileged kids (yee-haw!). the kids enjoyed the time in camp -- swimming, painting, orienteering, baking, dancing, etc... seeing that life can be beyond their urban settlements.

i thought that this wasn't possible at this point in time. i thought that i would be creating this camp when i'm settled, around 40 years old, living the "good" life. what i didn't see that i'm actually living a good life, no, make that a great life and i can do this camp is now. (wow.)

from all the times that i was down and wanted out of this, i thank the people who stood by me (you know who you are). to all those who donated money for this camp -- you have made a difference. to the owners, the people who supported and volunteered, the people who allowed the kids to participate, and most especially the kids, i am in boundless gratitude.

who you are to me is courage, inspiration and power. thank you.

coron and el nido

2007-05-26T18:12:00.000+08:00

had an opportunity to work in coron and el nido for the past few days (did basic coral reef monitoring). it was a blast, to say the least.

camp cali

2007-05-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

wonderful, absolutely wonderful. i love my work.

18 seconds before sunrise

2007-05-03T13:43:00.000+08:00

fitting beginning to each day, waiting and longing for that first ray of light and ready to begin. it's amusing these days how newness and discovery are part of my daily ritual, guiding me like mentors to be present to the moment.

today, i find myself as such.

*****

in addition, i've finished another 10-week seminar series in landmark education and completed it, fittingly so, with joy. never realized that when my seminar leader said that she's committed to me having a great life, i never knew how much that commitment meant. thank you, christine. when you say that this is your self-expression in life, it truly is.

let me leave you with the parting words she gave at the seminar, quoting one of my favorite quotable persons in the world, george bernard shaw (from the epistle dedicatory of 'man and superman'):

this is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

(wow.)

*****

post title is the title of the website of sigur ros, my current favorite band.

a love affair with life

2007-03-23T15:42:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been a blast!

saw a white-tip reef shark and a pawikan yesterday while diving in bahura in anilao. got to have a short chat with rachael yamagata, had my picture taken with her and had my r.y. cd autographed. had an amazing time in singapore, hopping on busses and getting lost in suburbs not normally gone to by tourists. had great conversations with my brother, cousin and friend (on different occasions in the course of the past few days). getting to watch the seminar/talk of johann olav koss over the net about the social enterprise and was actually moved by actually hearing my childhood hero talk about purpose, vision and empowerment (thanks, dave!). sharing stories with my groupmates in a class that i have with landmark education and really being present to life. had a (muy excelente!) date earlier.

i just realized that my life now is the way i want to live it. (wow.)

who says you can't mix hot air balloons with rave music?

2007-03-07T10:46:00.000+08:00

letters to a young poet

2007-03-06T15:31:00.000+08:00

years ago, a philosopher friend of mine introduced me to a world of inquiry of the self, of what it really means to be human. he also allowed me to step into the world of rainer maria rilke -- a world of fascinating mentoring, of which questions about life itself is not denied, but in fact, lived. it would have been great to have a correspondence and a conversation with such a poet.

*****

last night, i was browsing again through rilke's book 'letters to a young poet'. searching through characters, words and paragraphs that i highlighted in the past with a blue marking pen, i read and unearth his words (coming from where i stand as of the moment). i find that his words still comfort me and bind me to the eternal. here's one of the passages that struck me:

"believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance and trust that in this love there is a strength and a blessing, out beyond which you do not have to step in order to go very far."

*****

indeed. indeed.

a thousand years (living as if it's been more than a lifetime)

2007-02-22T11:17:00.000+08:00

it seems like a thousand years although in actuality, it's just been over 5 months -- and it has been a heck of a time! i havent' been out of the city much though i've never been more alive in my life as i am now -- i've attached travels with my life, not seeing that everything i have now is indeed 'the open road' (and brilliantly so).

words may be too many to say about those times that passed (i will allow it unravel as the months pass along). what i can tell for now though is that i've gotten an amazing shift in my life since my last post -- and got a life i never would have imagined. crazy/beautiful indeed.

for the meantime, let me share with you images imprinted in my memory.

connect the dots

2006-09-02T18:43:00.000+08:00

waking up with a throbbing headache earlier this morning reminded me of how i should never mix drinks (i'm slapping my forehead for the nth time). what more, it was even made worse by starting with beer and ending with hard! (nice one, lex.)

so, how did it start? i was at terri's place yesterday for poker night. just a typical night of booze and gambling (small time, mind you). had a couple of rounds of poker and enjoyed the company of old and new friends. the first round was fine. i just had a couple of beers by the end of it. but the second round, man -- that's where it kicked in. before the start of the game, i shifted to vodka (blame it on the host for opening a bottle of aboslut). thing was, i was getting lucky -- i was getting pairs for more than half of the time. how often can that happen? obviously, it had nothing to do with the drink but when your poker mates tell you its the vodka and it gets into your alcohol laden brain, then you drink more of it. they even called me the "drunken master" and i wore it like a badge. (oh, the viscious cycle!)

i actually placed second during this round. not bad for somebody whose synapses weren't working properly anymore. anyway, i actually felt good. and yet, when i stood up, that's when i felt it. the mild tipsiness was setting in and after a few minutes, it turned into a slightly more pronouced throb around my temples. and then, here's the kicker -- i was offered another drink. a sweet alcohol, i don't know what it was but it tasted like pinapple juice -- just a shot, anyway.

after a few minutes, i felt it -- my world was spinning. i wanted to vomit and take out all the alcohol in my body. salvage what there was left to salvage but i didn't wat to do it there. i had to save face. (probably if i could hear my body talking, it would have said, "just a shot, anyway?! you ass!") then i suddenly remembered this guy who made a fool of himself in a birthday party, rolling on the floor, being unable to carry himself. i knew if i had more of it, i would have been the same and before that happened, i left the place. i was slurring, but i didn't want to act that stupid.

i have made a fool of myself at my friend's house one time too many and i didn't want to add another one on the list. if i did another thing, i would probably have been blacklisted forever. and so, with that thought in mind, i took the longest drive of my life. everything was moving and shaking when i took the driver's seat, plus the headlamps of the other cars were too much to bear.

i don't know how i got home but all i remembered was the fact that i kept saying, "please, please, just let me get home safe." -- and i did get home safe, albeit a few minutes to spare before is started vomitting. face to face with the toilet bowl, it never felt more good to be in one piece.

nothing like a good kick in the butt to tell myself to drink more in moderation.

green is for go

2006-08-23T10:56:00.000+08:00

for the past couple of weeks, i have submitted 3 important application forms (for a hong kong-based outdoor team building company, to a friend in singapore, to a canadian-based volunteer organization). why do i say that these are important? well, these applications (1) are what i want to do, (2) would allow me to live elsewhere for a while, (3) are a key to my personal growth and (4) move me away from my own fear.

i find that this is already a major step for me. i have always feared the risk of leaving while things are comfortable here -- i have my family, my friends, the things that i do. (for a person who likes to travel, this may seem absurd). sometimes, i do cling to too many things.

i am also quite scared about the impermance of all things. people who are around me will not be here someday and traveling and living elsewhere might break those sometimes fragile bonds. things will be different and yet i feel that this is all false rootedness. in this, i am following the expectations of other people and not of myself. (at the end of my life, i don't want to blame people for the things that i have not done.) and only when i learn to follow my own path will i have real personal growth.

submitting the application forms allowed me the freedom to dream what i want to dream. i had a talk with one of the people i respect and she told me not to pursue this (especially with the volunteer work). she said that this will be a year lost in my career path. for a while i did believe in what she said and had a very difficult time completing the form. but then that is her expectation of me and not my expectation of myself. and this freed me up. i still wanted to do this.

at the end of the day, this is still my life.

other than the false pretenses, there is also much reason to remain. my friends and i started 2 new ventures: a food business and a travel publishing company with the former moving quite well. we've had some clients and seems like we'll be having a lot more. but more than this, i enjoy what i do. i get to cook and be of service to people. i also get to grow as a person -- have responsibility, be accountable to others and practice integrity.

i just tell myself right now that this is all for the better. even if i plan for my future, i cannot stop living my life now and just wait to be accepted. as long as i know that this is how i want to live my life and if this is what will make me reach my potential, then its all good.

in the past, i was so hellbent on finding and pursuing my own calling that i was unable to realize that all the things that we are doing now prepares us for that. i put my own stop signs failing to understand that what i have and what i do gave me the necessary tools to reach my potential. i was unable to seize the moment. but now, i believe that i am.

as they say, take the plunge. all bets are off, anyway.

anticipation

2006-08-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

a week ago, my brother and my sister-in-law announced that they are pregant and will be having a baby (i love it that they say 'we' and not as a singular person -- that both are at stake and both are involved). even if i have nephews and nieces (sons and daughters of my cousins), this will be a first for our family. an entirely new experience (wow).

for the past few days, i see my brother and his wife with beaming faces. i see my parents so happy to take on their role as grandparents. i see myself filled with curiousity and amazement. i see all of us full of anticipation and hope. i am totally at awe at what this is bringing to our family. my family seems different. different, but good different -- there is a warmth that i can't explain.

i never knew that this is what it would feel like to anticipate birth of someone that you love even before they are born. now i understand how it was like before i was born. that it mattered. that it meant something significant. that it was that it was brought about by a hopefulness that things do get better, that life continues, that love is indeed real.

now i understand.

random monday thoughts

2006-06-19T13:47:00.000+08:00

had the most unusual thursday last week. had breakfast in circles, shang. went to buy stuff in divi (as my boss likes to call divisoria). came back to shang for lunch to eat at red (insert roasted free range chicken with mushroom risotto and red wine).

oh well, so much for the money saved.

*****

was up in cali for the weekend. had amihan all to myself. oh yeah, no one to share her with. slept in her all by myself (wink wink).

*****

my cousin and his daughter from sfo are in manila right now. they just got here today and will be leaving by the end of the week. thing is, i have a lot of things to do (like blogging, hehe..., but seriously, i have a big outdoor camp coming up and all my focus is on that -- me and my one track mind) so i'm not going to be able to be with them that much. plus, i promised myself that after my brother's wedding that i will not compromise my time nor my resources for family anymore. i'm done with that. it's me time now.

they wanted to borrow my car today because my parents' is coded. i said no. they wanted to use my room. i said hell no. i think i'm just fed up with all this. even if i am close to my cousin and his family, i don't think i can give up stuff now.

that's what you get for not allowing your son to be independent early on. i can be a brat when i want to.

it's just too bad that it had to be this.

salomon days

2006-06-13T17:21:00.000+08:00

the rubber soles of my salomon outdoor shoes have given way a few months back. these shoes have been a constant companion on trips, both in and out of the country. it's been scratched here and there, soaked in all sorts of elements and environments. and because of these things, it has reminded me of the numerous trips i've had.

it's been hard to let go of such a comfortable pair and the fact that salomon has pulled out of the country means that it's even harder to get a new one. but in the last month or so, i've seen a very good replacement: a merrel amphibian. so shoe me if i've switched allegiances. the old one has outlived its usefulness.

but before this one finds itself in the dumpster, i give it one last ode.

a good book on a rainy day

2006-05-30T18:13:00.000+08:00

just a brief respite from work: i have been threatened by 'the bossing' last thursday to write in my blog again. i posted a couple of entries done a few weeks back that are now ripe for the taking.

my hands shudder as i type on my keyboard. (hehehe...)

*****

one of my favorite authors is tom robbins (no, i did not misspell that for tim robbins, the actor). he writes fiction like no other writer can; conjuring unexpected metaphors & similies and producing the most unlikely of stories. but he is not for the faint-hearted as so many times he will bring down all your sacred cows. one of my favorite stories of all time, 'jitterbug perfume' tells of a present-day janitor (age unkown but was born during the medieval times) in search of his lover, who was lost on the astral plane, or something to that effect. and at the center of it is a missing blue bottle and all this will all reach to a conclusion at 2100 paris time.

i'm currently reading a book of his called 'half asleep in frog pajamas'. as robbins lives in seattle, he can conjure the most brilliant images for rain. this would be a good book on this rainy day. here's a sample of what he can do:

'as for the rain, it manifests all of aloha's ambiguity (in each hello an implied goodbye) and then some. rain is protective in ways that the seemingly more affectionate sunshine can never match. it dims the monster's glare, dampens the dragon's fire. but like pockets of a drowned sailor, it can conceal disintegrating packets of forbidden opiates and any number of rusty knives.

'like a rice farmer in an uside-down paddy, you stand amidst the self-harvesting stalks of rain. this as chopsticks and chopsticks straight, greenish-gray as the strings of the ocean's zither, the stalks hang from the clouds by their roots and shake free their bursting grains. the rice bowls of your collar is soon overflowing. when you hunch your shoulders, they make rain sushi.'

*****

this is why i read: to live in the writer's dreams, ever present and utterly believeable.

the world is our playground and we will always be home

2006-05-07T09:43:00.000+08:00

'we become divine after every pain
so please, won't you sit through
because everyday
will find reasons to stay
if words are too few
to keep horizons in view
will you go or stay or grow
standing on the edge
between crazy and sense
remember what i said'

- 'the world is our playground and we will always be home', up dharma down

i am an escapist. if there is one part of me that i will always find threatening, it is this. it's one of my greatest security blankets or as psychologists would call it, defense mechanisms. when things, work or relationships start to hurt, i move away, slowly or as fast as i can. it doesn't matter what speed i'm in, as long as i move away. it's instinct. honey once told me that it's ingrained in the male circuitry.

but for the past couple of years, i have been very mindful of my decisions. i left when i knew i needed to leave (not wanted) and stayed when i knew i still had room to grow from these experiences. this year alone, there have been a lot of trials. i wouldn't mention it anymore but i refused to succumb to being houdini.

it is so easy to fall into old habits but we as human beings need to realize that there is always more to it. that life is a dialectic of both freedom and responsibility. and if we choose to do so, the world will indeed become our playground and we will always be home.

my ordination song

2006-04-16T18:47:00.000+08:00

"I always knew you.
in your mother's arms,
I have called your name.
I've an idea placed in your mind
to be a better man."

- sufjan stevens, 'vito's ordination song'

*****

it is this what i find today: that i have struggled and wrestled with You for the past five days; that i saw my own brokenness and woundedness and that You understood it all -- that You too were abandoned; that it was my earth that You were facing when You were on the path to calvary; that You live in me despite my sinfulness and you chose to do so; that I have found healing in You; that i have risen up because You did it first; that now You have made me whole, i am of service to You.

i reprhase what the pevensies said in the last book of narnia: You are more than what i ever hoped for. thank You.

*****

"nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is,
than falling in a quite absolute,
final way.
what you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything,
how you spend your weekend,
what you read,
what you know that breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

fall in love,
stay in love,
and it will decide everything."

- pedro arrupe, sj, 28th superior general of the society of jesus

my way home

2006-04-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

"sometimes i miss a step
i stumble here and there
i'm findin' my way home
if i'm lost then i'll admit
sometimes i plain forget
i'm findin' my way home
you can try and stand in my way
you can say what you're gonna say
but i'm findin' my way home"

- citizen cope, 'my way home'

just like barry and rose, i've been thinking of changing my profile from my pen name to my real name. both of them have changed theirs and its high time that i change mine. although xandro is also one of my nicknames (way back in high school), people know me more as lex. and as of today, i'm using my more used nick.

*****

i have 2 blogs, this one and bushi-do, the road of the warrior. i've been contemplating of dropping one for the other but these 2 blogs seem different to me so i'm keeping them both and probably in the end, both will lead home.

five weddings

2006-04-10T20:29:00.000+08:00

the first half of this year seems to be a good time to get married. i don't know what's in the cosmos as of late but it looks like half of my friends are tying the knot (or have done it). i've attended the wedding of my brother, former officemate and a great friend. i will also be going to the marriage celebrations of a block kabarkada and a college buddy (or as pj would call it, mate) in the next few months.

it's been a blessing attending these weddings, especially my brother's & his wife's, and lara's & pj's. both were amazing weddings with the way it became intimate affairs of family and good friends; of the way everybody who attended had a stake in their union. but more than that, i wanted to celebrate with them because these are the people who gave me an overflowing abundance of their person. (this is the same reason why i am excited to attend the 2 weddings ahead. this is also the same reason why i wanted so badly to go to a couple of weddings in the past -- day's & amat's and jaqui's & victor's.) my brother has always been a staunch ally, even if i fumble and change directions from time to time. lara's wise words has changed my paradigm regarding permanence and relationships, that it does indeed last. ryce, along with our other barkada, rode through the joys and pain of college life (i don't know if we are the only ones but we all believe that our college life was waaaay better that our high school life). dave, with his optimism and fulgumisms, quelched both my cynicism and pessimism, and he still continues to think big and refuses to sell out, which is an inspiration to all of us.

i find that in weddings, we celebrate life itself. that in this, we celebrate the legacy of the past and with the union, we open the doors to hope; that indeed the future is bright. i see it in the eyes of the family, i see it in beaming faces of the couple. that although we say our goodbyes, we also say our thanksgiving. there is much gratitude in these things.

indeed as meister eckhart once said, "if the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, it will be enough."

baguio blogging

2006-04-05T21:54:00.000+08:00

so, baguio now has wifi. not at my friend's place but someone else's (to you i.t. people, yes it's robbing bandwidth but i'd rather call it keeping updated -- we're not downloading anything big anyway). and perhaps, with the cordillera mountains in the background and the jesuit villa as our neighbor, this is the best place to blog, so i'm typing on my friend's computer right now.

*****

as a child, baguio has always drawn condescending statements from members of my family -- it's polluted, haphazardly planned, overpopulated, architectural mishaps, yada yada yada. despite the wonderful experiences like horseback riding around the city, walking to mansion house and back up again to felipe, i still imbibed the negative perceptions of baguio from other people. (and to think, my lolo has a place in a nice portion of this city.)

but ever since my trip with friends to baguio city last year, this place has revived it's lustre. one just has to see a place through the eyes of people who love the city despite everything. more than that, i guess i just found something real about this place -- that it has become more than a vacation spot. it has become a second home of sorts. (caliraya was my second home but it seems that i have moved on from that stage in my life; i still work there though.) it has come to a point where i am doing major renovations at my friend's house. i've helped clean up, rearrange furniture, paint a wall, fix & grout a mirror frame and tore down some ugly cabinetry in between the kitchen & dining room and rearrange furniture. if you hear someone making a ruckus in mirador hills, most likely that's me. and if ever you pass by the house, you'll probably see one satisfied person doing carpentry work. and i thought i lacked the skill for this.

indeed, good things are coming out of this place. i'm learning and doing new things. i'm finding new competencies that i never knew i had. furthermore, i'm having good realizations (both related and unrelaed to cleaning house). i tell you, baguio is one heck of a place.

two questions, two answers

2006-03-16T14:16:00.000+08:00

“q: how long do we have?
“a: as long as it takes.

“q: how much do we get?
“a: as much as we need.”

- from the 'world of richard stine'

warrior of the light

2006-03-01T17:23:00.000+08:00

an entry from the book of paolo coelho:

the beviary of medieval knight says:

"the spiritual energy of the path uses justice and patience to prepare your spirit.

"this is the path of the knight: a path that is at once easy and difficult, because it forces one to set aside trivial things and chance friendships. that is why, at first, many hesitate to follow it.

"this is the first teaching of the knights: you will erase everything you have written in the book of your life up until now: restlessness, uncertainty, lies. and in place of all this you will write the word courage. by beginning the journey with that word and continuing with faith in God, you will arrive where you need to arrive.

what's on tv?

2006-02-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

here's something i wrote a few days ago and it seems that i can't write anything more about it.

*****

and so, gma has declared the country to be under a "state of emergency". (so how do we resuscitate this country drowning in it's own piss?) not that i actually care much about it (i'd prefer to watch idol over any newscast). don't get me wrong, i love this country a lot. in fact, i'm proud to be a filipino. and if you love something or someone, you must deal with the problems.

it's just numbing after all these years, there's been minimal change and then there's the landslide in leyte (which will most like going to be under the radar for the next few weeks as both administration and opposition play their chess moves). if a problem occurs, both sides are at fault. always, always, always. there are just too many egos floating around.

i was in edsa dos and i felt a certain renewal at that time. there was hope and moreover, national transformation was understood as a change to start with oneself. so now, instead of focusing on the pertinent issues, we find these people engage in a rubber match. stalemate, well, more like stale, i think. because of this (pat yourselves on the back, dear politicians, bravo) we get to be on cnn and bbc. whoopee...

that said, we have not learned how to deal with our problems properly. it's as if when a problem comes up, it's just being swept under the rug or just placed in another room. just like the tragedy of ultra a few weeks ago, just like the refusal to put to court the people who sided with the japanese during wwii, just as the brushing off of the beheading of bonifacio, just as how in many families, we put bahala na as a solution. there is no sense of closure. history has given us a lot and yet we refuse to see it. how do you find strength to do your work when people (that i even voted) fail you left and right? how do you admire people like cory and dinky for uniting with the likes of escudero and binay? i can't understand how people could easily be swayed. are they really after the national reconcilation and renewal or do they have their own agendas?

darn, i need to leave this country, even for a while. this relationship is freakingly taxing. for the meantime, i'll probably stop watching philippine news altogether and just watch american idol.

and can you please pass me the bhutan daily on that coffee table.

thoughts for the road

2006-02-16T23:37:00.000+08:00

there is always wisdom when i have a conversation with my friend mark. talking with him earlier today was no exception. here are a few of 'em:

13. i deserve to live my best life everyday
14. i am worth it
15. eventually, there will be breakthroughs

choices, choices, choices

2006-02-15T01:14:00.000+08:00

i have 3 options when i wake up later:

a. go to baler (all expense paid trip) and surf
b. play disc at the beginners' night in meralco
c. celebrate my brother's birthday in makati (and just play tennis instead in the afternoon)

do i want to get trampled on by 14 foot waves, get utterly tired running up and down the field with disc drills and games, or get fattened up, contented and satisfied (= drunk) by having dinner with family? do i want to learn for free from aussie surfers, enjoy a good game of camaraderie and fun, or deepen family ties with a good dinner conversation? hmmm... choices, indeed. all are compelling but i'll just decide on one when i wake up.

utterly grateful

2006-01-25T12:03:00.000+08:00

less than a year ago, i resigned from a job for reasons other than what i expect from myself. on that fateful day, there wasn't any sense of closure, except perhaps a handshake from my japanese boss. i was ruined for a few months, no, make that more than a few months. i was utterly exhausted from what transpired in that company. in short, i was burned out. there was no ounce of gratitude on my end.

but eight months down the road, things have come full circle. i now know that the stored bitterness that i have for that office is close to nil, if not, really gone. i don't have a need to talk about it. and if i do, i look at it as an experience that gave me real personal growth. i'm even much thankful that they have given me an opportunity to travel to an exotic locale. what has brought me to this point, you may ask?

it's just a realization that this too has given me much to be thankful for: travels, new friends and a greater depth to my person. from being so frustrated to having a sense of fulfillment, that is something. even more, i wouldn't be the person that i am without it. in fact, that is a new experience for me. all i know is that there comes a point in my life that there is a need to come to an acceptance of what has been said and done. a person can change his mind when he wants to.

if there is one thing that i have learned in psychology, we are more than just those theories, that we should not allow ourselves to be boxed up by mere concepts that scientists have named. (yes, there are times when it can help predict behavior, but on the other hand, it should not only be the sole gauge of understanding behavior. psychology that is limiting is never really psychology at all.) that being scarred does not mean that you will be scarred for the rest of your life. our behavior is much more evolved than that. sometimes, it is we who limit our own capabilities. we listen to voices that say that we are not good, fast or intelligent enough. this does not mean that i'm bordering on self-help. in fact, i don't think so. i think that there's a lot of bull out there telling me to do this or do that. in the end it's up to me to decide. and that's that. if i want to be grateful, i will be.

i'm just glad to be where i am. this is life, and this is what is given.

additional thoughts for the road

2006-01-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

stuff i realized while watching the baghdatis-ljubicic match:

11. there will be doubts but the thing is how to overcome those doubts
12. wear your heart on your sleeve

thoughts for the road: in the game of life

2006-01-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

1. a lot of it is self-belief
2. there are things that can and cannot be controlled
3. i will still make a lot of mistakes
4. doing things half-baked is never really doing anything
5. everything turns out for the best
6. ask for help when needed
7. there will be bad days
8. take it one step at a time
9. erleichda! (lighten up!)
10. be in gratitude (always)

new road: a fresh start

2006-01-06T22:06:00.000+08:00

my new year didn't begin on new year's day, but rather on the 4th of january while i was fixing and purging my things. threw out shirts and pants that i'm not using anymore while using new ones (recently bought and lengthily stored -- and i mean store: i have a shirt that i haven't worn for more than a year).

after doing it, i felt much lighter. excess baggage as they say is, well, excess. not only do i have more storage, i also have an appreciation for having less stuff. i don't like excesses, in anything for that matter. when it comes to my stuff, i have a rule that if my things cannot fit my room, i need to get rid of some of it, which is specifically within the 4x4 meter confines of my bedroom.

and i'm glad i did it close to the new year; it's like a new slate, a fresh start with no strings attached. i'm more hopeful than ever for this year, maybe because i've made a lot of realizations over the past few weeks. moreover, there's a willful determination on my end to face this year with much gusto.

i have my resolutions for this year but will share it with you at the end of the year. as of now, my accountability is to myself and let's just see how it will work out. but as with the past 3 or 4 years, i've always found that each year gets better and better. (just for the record: i've experienced a new low this year, albeit less than the one when my lola died a few years ago but still i considered 2005 as my best year). looks like a great one ahead. as i say, a good things comes to a peron who has a positive attitude and an open heart.

i'm excited to see what will unfold in the next 12 months. surf's up, my friend and have a great new year ahead!

retraced steps: the year that was

2005-12-31T18:17:00.000+08:00

easter triduum in ateneo. meeting and talking with ofw's in changi airport in singapore. ccp nights. nri. wednesday edition. tiaong. sonia's garden and ugu bigyan. wg&a superferry. coastal clean-up with the philippine paradise divers. "the wednesday group" turned thursday group. drinking buddies. sri lanka. chance meetings with people i haven't seen for years and reconnecting with people i haven't talked with in a while. wine, cheese and a lot more in the fatima gallery. tennis mayhem. reyes-david wedding. kabayan with pads and the gang. sailing around the lake. looking at baguio differently. the warrior of the light. san fancisco in manila. tiendesitas. bohol with the balikbayans. the sanctuary, the wallaces and the amazing food. the panesas and the tadeos. cali and the amazing parties. he barros clan. canyon woods with family. tapping the creative universe. figuring out real names. ang-peralta reception and seeing ex-nri people (and i mean ex-nri people). the british commonwealth. infanta. countless dinner conversations. cooking with the oliveros. the wandersluts. new friends and loyal friends. one fateful night in anilao. writing. an amazing overnight in cebu. block z mini-reunion and birthday party of ryce and terri. e-mails from friends, buddies and colleagues. hellos and goodbyes. sagada and banaue. the jenkins-dela cruz celebration. pyro olympics. moonlit nights. laughter. weekday and weekend gimmicks. conversations over wine. the blockbusters. realizations. the joys and the pains. the abundance.

thank you.

destinations: permanent leave-taking

2005-12-29T20:59:00.000+08:00

"ang pag-ibig natin ay walang hanggang paalam
at habang magkalayo, papalapit pa rin ang puso"
- joey ayala, walang hanggang paalam

this is who we are as a migrant nation: we constantly say goodbye to loved ones all the time. that even if we are far apart, we find ourselves still bound to each other. the threads that connect us will always be here.

*****

today, my relatives leave again for san francisco. as always, it has been a sad parting. i don't want them to leave but they need to go and fulfill their destiny, and add depth again and again to their lives (even if it is a daily grind). sometimes, i question why things have to be this way and it is here where i need to remind myself that all things take their course, as i also have to take mine.

and so, go and hopefully, we will meet again soon.

sunday driving: gratitude journal

2005-12-24T12:20:00.000+08:00

from time to time, i write entries in my gratitude journal enumerating the bounty of everyday. abundance is in my midst and indeed, good things come to a grateful heart. here are 5 things that i was grateful for yesterday:

1. pre-christmas get-together with former officemates, the wednesday edition group, and enjoying another round of great conversations and it's truly amazing how we continue to meet up despite the fact that we have moved on to different jobs.
2. seeing college retreat-mates (and drinking buddies) in a coffee shop (of all places! -- we're getting old!) in greenbelt and having a nice chat with these people. it seems that the crevice is much shallower and narrower than i think it is, despite the length of being unable to see each other for a number of years.
3. getting to see the fireworks in greenbelt and realizing that the kid in me still leaps out everytime i experience things like this.
4. having a sunday drive on a friday and being able to go to fort in less time than i expected. (i'm glad that the simple things still make me happy.)
5. walking around makati (on the path where i used to walk to and from work) and being able to feel grateful that things turn out pretty well in the end. my resentment for the company is close to nil. plus the thought of working in makati doesn't scare me anymore.

holiday traffic: so much to write, so little time

2005-12-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

i've been wanting to write for the past few days but haven't been able to. there are so many stories to tell: stories of relatives from san francisco coming over; being grateful (at last) for my previous work; people changing lifestyles and how it becomes their own meaning; and a hypothetical on my brother's wedding.

hopefully, i'll be able to start soon.

off the beaten track: weaving kabayan

2005-12-09T14:45:00.000+08:00

it is what we weave through our lives that shape and change us.

and what i experience on my travels is no exception.

photos by a.g. saño.

multiple destinations: december on my mind

2005-11-26T23:33:00.000+08:00

this must be my most hectic december since i was born: fixing of the house (yes, we're still at it); completing an outdoor adventure module for january of next year; writing backlog articles; an 8-day baguio and kabayan trip starting tomorrow; attending the famed simbang gabi of ateneo; arrivals of close relatives from los angeles and san francisco (woohoo!); tons of catching up, kuwentuhan and hanging out with my closest cousins; christmas parties (and i'll probably miss some); reunions; and my brother's wedding (and this is hectic being the best man/gopher).

but i'm not complaining. in fact, i'm loving it.

old roads and new roads: photographs

2005-11-16T15:28:00.000+08:00

"what the water wants is hurricane
and sailboats to ride on it's back
what the water wants is sun kiss
and land to run into and back"

- sufjan stevens

i'm currently doing the avp for my brother's wedding and he's given me tons of photos to collate. even if i'm up to my head, it's actually not a bother and in fact, it's been quite a treat to look at old family photos. i've kept a lot of photos of my friends and travels but rarely do i keep photos of my family. that task is designated to my mom. added to that, i haven't seen much in the last 2 years. so looking at these pictures seem like looking at them for the first time.

most of it are memories of my brother in telling situations of past adventures and the love that he gives. although i'm not part in a majority of the photos, i still feel attached to it -- to family that i haven't seen a while, to his friends who i've looked up to when i was growing up, to similar trails that we tread, and to a beaming face much like my own. we have different stories to tell and yet it seems so familiar. i have not been there and yet in my dreams, i have. i wasn't able to go to his graduation in boston and yet, it looked as if it was my graduation, a sense of joy that was very similar to my last day in school. these are tales that are very much enmeshed to my own person.

i was particularly struck when i came across photos of relatives living in san francisco and l.a. most are group shots with my brother. i haven't seen these people for quite a while and though i'll be seeing them this december, i find myself wanting time to quicken for the next few days. i sorely miss them. more than the people that live here in my own neighborhood, these are actually the people that i'm drawn to, that the people i actually consider family.

people i love, and people that my brother loves.

hauntingly similar stories and yet the irony of this is that we haven't really been together much. my work, previous and current, leads me to different places and his is the same. we more or less tag team and take turns staying at home. over the past four years, we've rarely seen each other. times spent together seem more infrequent than a moon landing (on that point, i'm exaggerating but you do get the drift). so i'm quite amazed that we do have a lot of pictures taken together. here i found glimpses of times spent together of 2 brothers going in increasingly divergent directions.

especially that he's a month away from getting married, i find these photos more telling than ever. each photo signified much change, knowing that each passing moment solidifies the idea that nothing will ever be the same; to proceed to what we believe as important and at the same time, do away with the unnecessary. as such, we continue moving forward to breathe flesh to the word in our dreams.

the waters of our own soul will reach the lands that are destined for us.

*****

after the first few photos, i've gotten over the nostalgia. in fact, i'm quite excited of what comes next. photos serve as markers, reminds me of what i've done and push me on in what i can still do. on that note, i'm looking forward to the next pictures to be added in my collection. if the past few months serve as an indication, 2006 looks like a great year for me.

yellow light: caution in the land of the dumagats

2005-11-13T16:45:00.000+08:00

more than a year ago, tragedy struck in infanta, quezon, the land of the dumagats. a strong tropical typhoon crossed this small seaside town wrecking havoc and bringing down a landslide of the ages. a strong typhoon mixed with environmental degradation of the nearby mountains will always make a potent disaster.

*****

i was in the town a couple of days ago. initial impressions didn't give off signs of the tragedy. it seemed that people recovered quickly from this. life actually looked normal. but sometimes, initial impressions don't last.

i first went to an area that was formerly a rice field. the opreative word here being 'formerly'. it was a rolling grass plain with fallen wood trunks scattered over a space of more than a hundred hectares. in fact, if the locals didn't tell me that it was one, i wouldn't have figured it out. walking across the expanse, i came across more and more fallen wood. it looked like wood sculptures from a distance and seemed as though that a part of the philippines finally became interested in culture and art. the southern sierra madre even provided a stunning backdrop to the stark landscape. it was such a surreal environment and yet it was so real. it looked so beautiful, yet so tragic.

i couldn't understand how large tree trunks the circumferential size of 2 to 3 people with their arms spread out came all the way to that area when in fact, the mountains are more than 10 kilometers away. the flood waters could have brought it there and yet, i couldn't phantom the idea. i was looking at a tall coconut tree when i heard someone say that floods in this area were as tall as grown coconut trees. and those trees looked taller than 2 floors to me. and in order to survive the ordeal, as many as 3 dumagat families perched on a single tree: moms with their babies, fathers tired from the vigil of monitoring flood waters, children being unable to understand the situation -- all in one tree.

that night, i retired in a resort by the beach. obviously, i couldn't see anything at night but they told me to brace myself for what i was about to see. what greeted me in the morning was more what i could have imagined.

by the side of the mountain, it was as if a giant cat clawed wound marks the size of villages and showed mud and earth on an otherwise green vista. by the beach, there was more wood: roots twice my height, tree trunks the length of 2 story buildings, trunk rings revealing century old trees -- spread across more than a kilometer of beach front. it was a sight to behold, not like when one sees a sun eclipse, but rather when one sees a person badly injured and with a torn limb; try to look away but can't.

i went around for a while. i touched the wood and looked closely. i imagine it would have been magnificent where this was before. and now it has come here to it's end. and yet people refuse to let it rest properly, with graffiti and carving on it's skin. i don't mind that people use it for a better purpose like make furniture and be their livelihood but to let it rest in that state, that is a tragedy, not only for the tree but for the people who live there as well.

i consider myself as an environmentalist and experiencing this brings all sorts of feelings within me. anger, rage, even a certain numbness. i just couldn't understand why some people have to be greedy. thinking about it, i'm pretty sure that the logging concessionaires don't even have an ounce of remorse. probably, when this tragedy struck, they were in their comfortable homes in posh gated communities, or out on the road in their european luxury cars. i mean, here they are, thinking that they need more money in order to keep up with the joneses or to be in the society pages. or else they would enter into a depression. (pathetic.) and here are these poor people in this town who have practically nothing and yet, they are able to smile and laugh on the simplest things -- despite being haunted by the tragedy. probably i'm putting them up as one-dimensional characters but a year has passed and sometimes an afternoon of rainfall can bring in the floods again. what more if it was another strong typhoon?

sometimes, this world can be twisted. and if we don't learn from this experience, it will happen again and again and again. but i'm not saying that this is doomsday either. it doesn't mean that it has to end there; problems need not end as problems. going to the source and unearthing difficult habits can bring about real closure. though filipinos are very gentle and an easily forgiving people, this thing must be faced. there is still hope for change. tragedies tell us only a part of the story. at the end of the day, if we allow it to, we will indeed have scars but we will also experience healing.

*****

i went to a lot of places over the fortnight and have plenty of stories to tell but this has to be written first. i wish i brought a camera when i was there.

stalled on the road: immobility

2005-10-26T11:27:00.000+08:00

if you were to choose a way to twist and ruin your ankle, what would you choose:

a. having a harley davidson road mishap;
b. losing balance and hitting yourself right into the wake during wakeboaring;
c. landing on a rocky ground from basejumping; or
d. falling inappropriately doing a macaco in a roda (capoeira)

if it were up to me, i'd probably choose (c) but any of those would be fine. those are cool ways to twist an ankle and in a tim-allen- caveman-voice-with-chest-thumping-from-home-improvement, boast it to everybody i know. more than it being an injury, i would carry it like a badge. but true to my form, the universe wouldn't have planned it that way. i ruined mine while falling from the stairs in a resort in anilao over the weekend.

before you raise your eyebrows and tell me that i'm one clumsy oaf, let me explain myself: the stairs didn't have any railing and the step was uneven. it was dark and the shadow from the wall covered the uneven portion of the step. i fell on the right side which was 3 to 4 steps high and fell into the bushes. if i lost my balance on the left side, i would have fallen into the abyss of about more than 50 feet (and that would have been miserable for everybody).

yes, i have not perfected the art of falling down the stairs despite the numerous times i did it. every week i had betadine on my arms or legs or both. my grandmother was probably so immune to it that she wasn't shocked anymore everytime i did it. she must have said, 'oh, there goes that big ball rolling down the stairs again.' and when i fell down over the weekend, she might have given a hearty laugh in her grave.

but then again, i'm not that young anymore and i'm more injure prone. i'll be quite immobile for a week or two. can't drive, can't walk properly, can't play tennis (for 2 to 3 freakin' months!), no diving, no gym, etc., etc. these are the facts that i have to live by for the next few months and will brace myself for whatever sort of inactivity that i'm or i'll be experiencing.

last week (before the injury), i was stuck with the thought of immobility and how being stuck in a black hole, in dense matter can make one feel down. how being unable to do things can make one suffer. it's difficult especially the fact that i base much of my life on activity and this large chunk of inactivity causes some dissonance within. but then again, it creates space and it gives me more time to learn new things or write new articles.

when the injury happened, i didn't feel as down as i would expect me to be. i was quite jolly, in fact. probably realized that i'm still whole and there will be other opportunities to dive. even if they were able to dive on that sunday, i didn't feel that i lacked anything. i wasn't furious nor envious. it's the way i looked at this certain event. and i still had a good time with the people i was with.

the feeling of immobility is only fleeting and this is just one of the stops on the road.

*****

i would like to thank the 2 fine ladies that drove for me over the past few days. my world is still normal with you guys around.

diversion: to the sea

2005-10-14T20:41:00.000+08:00

these days, i am finding myself back at sea, more often than not. with trips to galera, laiya and anilao done for this year and a trip to bohol up soon, my thirst for the ocean waters still abound. i still can't believe that before graduating college, the number of times i've been by the shore could be counted by the fingers of my hand. seriously, the number of times i've actually seen the ocean was just a scant few. and to imagine now that in the water for an accumulated dive time of more than 2 days! i remembered there was even a time back in 2002 where i went out to sea for seven straight weeks (bolinao during weekdays for work and anilao and galera on weekends for leisure). at the end it, i was dark as a piece of coal and unrecognizable (as a human) at night except when i smiled.

even during the habagat where the sea becomes more rough than it is, i still love going out. not to say that i am reckless. i do respect the sea and would not dare go out during a typhoon. but there is a need to be near it even if dives are cancelled due to bad weather. the sea presents a different facet in these conditions and sometimes, i am fascinated by it.

indeed, i just love the ocean. it is such a compelling place to be in; the smell of the ocean and the energy of the waves lures me back to more and more of this wonder. there is a certain peace when i am out there. and if i would create my own c-card, i would not only say diver but also 'child of the sea' for indeed i am one. like a seashell whose memory is only of the ocean until it is brought back, i feel the same way.

it has some story to tell me: of past voyages, of migrating animals, of encompassing abundance; from time to time, i need to listen and immerse myself in it. moreover, there is something so gracious about the ocean; there is always a giving force. and every time i am underwater, i feel like i am back in the womb. i am in the body of mother earth itself. and though it is a voyage out, it seems as though that it is a journey inward as well; to encounter a part of myself.

my story is enmeshed with the story of the sea. no wonder i keep coming back to it.

thoughts for the road

2005-10-05T20:47:00.000+08:00

ten realizations i had today:

1. 25 years old is not too young to take care of my body
2. some relationships do last
3. pepsi is indeed sweeter than coke
4. people need to move on
5. it only needs a small push to turn things around
6. being told you are disabled (physical or otherwise) is just a suggestion
7. some facts that we hold are just myths
8. dark chocolate really is that good
9. our days are numbered, endless
10. everything is

destination: the sacrament of goodbyes

2005-10-05T10:34:00.000+08:00

i got an e-mail from tiffany on the article of paulo coelho, closing cycles. it just reminded me of an article i wrote 3 years ago on the same topic. i called it 'the sacrament of goodbyes' and was based on fr. james donelan's 'the sacrament of waiting'. i reworked some of the paragraphs in order to suit my situation today.

i do believe that we need to end parts of our lives at one time or another. and this is one of the reasons why i leave communities or why i end romantic relationships. when something starts to lack meaning and becomes a mere object, one must move on even if people do not understand. sometimes the mystery is just not brought forth anymore.

*****

"when your ship, long moored in harbour, gives you the illusion of being a house... put out to seas! save your boat's journeying soul, and your own pilgrim soul, cost what it may be."
- archbishop helder camara

i can't help but think about the state of 'moving on' as i turn a year older in a few days. a lot has changed over the course of the year. Just to name a few: i resigned from work, said goodbye to friends who left for other countries and transferred to a new house.

i remembered years ago when i left the house that i grew up in, i needed to physically detach myself from it. after 22 years of living in that house (and having fond memories of it), i needed to let go. and to move away from that centered comfort makes me think about it even more.

when i look at my own personal experience, this has not been the first time. i have said goodbye to good friends, to relatives who live abroad, to my school and to loved ones who passed away. sometimes, i actually refuse to face it but i am at that end. and being there requires maturity, discipline, unshakable faith and unwavering hope. this is not only in the difficult, gut-wrenching events in my life but rather it can also be seen in the everyday. i have seen myself saying goodbye: to friends going home after a gimmick, at the end of telephone conversations, to people who i visit and to my parents as i go to work.

letting go, moving on, saying goodbye and being at the end -- it is part of our lives. whether we like it or not, it is weaved into the very fabric of our being. and as such, it is a mystery that fills us: a certain meaningfulness and subjectiveness; a natural sacrament of our lives.

and the only way to immerse in it is to live it.

how can we accept our jobs if we have not learned to let go of school? how do we allow other people to flourish if we do not allow them to lead their own lives? how are we able to let go if we have not learned to accept that people do indeed move on? in understanding that other people have commitments, that they need to grow and find their own lives, we learn to move on as well. people need to heed their calls. when lovers cannot unearth meaning and joy in their relationship, they have to first patiently wait and rekindle. and when all has been done and letting go is the best resolve, then there must be an acceptance of distancing and moving away fom intimacy, even if it hurts. we ourselves have to find our own meaning, our own centeredness and our own unfolding.

but why do we have say goodbye? there is no simple answer. it is a demand that life imposes on us. roads have ends, flowers must wilt, the sun will set and the music will stop. people move on to the next stage of their lives. in this, love must be given, while none is expected. it is only when we have truly been able to let go that we have loved somebody other than ourselves.

and the beauty of it is that we allow ourselves to know what love means. and only then do we realize that it is a gift.

but as all mysteries are, this must not be rushed nor be delayed. as with God's perfect timing, it comes at the point of aptness. (may sadyang kahulugan.) there is a destination that we seek. and with this, the movement of moving away is filled with so much hope and faith. we hold to the fragile threads that makes us continue on living and the Spirit allows us to immerse in it fully.

joyride: baguio tripping

2005-10-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

i went on a daytrip to baguio over the weekend (arrived 8 am on a saturday and left 3 am the next day, so technically it was less than 24 hours and hence, a daytrip). it was a tiring yet fruitful experience. but i would never have done this a few months ago, let alone when i was younger.

truthfully, i hated baguio when i was an adolescent. the city wasn't that compelling enough to go on a daytrip. i'd go to davao any day but baguio -- no freakin' way! just remembering the smell of horse dung (huwhat?!), the urban un-planning, the disorder of session road and all that chaos made it the last place on my checklist. i felt it wasn't worth it. if it can be avoided, i would.

so why the sudden change of heart?

well, i was actually there for a photo exhibit of a friend, a.g. saño in bliss café but i've seen the exhibit back in manila last january. i also wanted to go to ben-hur villanueva to show my potfolio but didn't have time to. so, what made me go this time around? of course, i was compelled to show support for my friend and present my portfolio to an artist that i admire. and to be with friends that i can level off and have a great time with when i travel, that is indeed a gift. but then there is another lure that tugs at my heart.

baguio is a place of artistic bounty. nooks and crannies are filled with unique artworks. just walk along session road and you'll see the gaudi-ish work of kidlat de guia on the sidewalk. go to tam-awan village and be inspired by works of different local and foreign artists. walk across it and you'll be in the workshop of ben-hur. spend an afternoon in bliss café and be immersed in a world of zen. eat breakfast at little john's and draw sceneries on your paper placemat.

anywhere you go in baguio screams of art. a photographer will always have a subject in this place. a hundred shots can be taken outside the dangwa bus station, ukay-ukay or the market. case in point: that weekend, gari b.'s digital camera was going around from person to person taking shots of subjects that they want. it was fun to have this much freedom taking photographs. it was an exploration of capturing art itself. indeed, the spontaniety and uniqueness of it all delves into creation and each creator is linked to the Creator Himself; that there is a glimpse of the divine when we create.

(coolness.)

but there are a lot of things that are still the same. wright park still smells of horse dung. there is still urban mayhem. people still double park on session road. and the city is as chaotic as ever. but i've learned to accept it. what changed is the way i saw baguio. it has becoma a place where i catch a glimpe of my own heaven. and when i find a need, i go, even only for a daytrip.

*****

so, when will the next trip be?

a new on-ramp: rebirth

2005-10-03T18:53:00.000+08:00

"you can make a fresh start with your final breath."
- bertolt brecht

what if someone told you that you were going to die at a specific date and time? what would you do?

when i was asked as such, i felt like i was the male version of veronika in 'veronika decides to die' by paolo coehlo. when she was told that she only had a number of days to live, she wanted to live it to the fullest. initially, she felt an apprehension to live it because it was only a few days left and she was resigned to it. but the shortness of it allowed her to take the situation as it is and be engaged in each and every moment.

initially, i was taken aback by the thought of it. i mean i knew i was leading a pretty full life. i took risks and love going off on adventures. but was anything lacking? was i denying something of myself? there were still a few and this was the right time to face it: letters to give and closures to complete. in my case as well, there was so much willfulness at the end of it. i didn't care about what other people thought about anymore and just do what i had to do.

i was able to have closure with the relationship i have with a certain girl. i was able to communicate with an old friend. i gave my parents letters that i should have given months ago. i ate my green tea ice cream. i e-mailed friend and said a short thank you. i gave books away. i went to the new college of architecture building in u.p.and marveled at the structure. i bought my mom flowers for no reason at all. i paid for a ticket that i haven't paid for in a long time. i looked at the stars. i saw a beautiful sunset. i drove more slowly and was less tempered in my driving. i had (and have) a certain calmness that i am satisfied with this life.

this newness carried me to another plane, a rebirth. this is the life that i have and there is no looking back. sting once said that taking risks carry us into a state of grace. i definitely believe that. and though mistakes are made, there is always a fresh start. i had head knowledge of this before, but to actually expereince it was a journey on it's own. over the weekend, i was talking with a couple of friends and one of them was telling me that some experiences actually break you but they also renew you.

this was one of those. i had to be broken and changed in order to be a better person. especially with the girl, i was broken but i didn't allow myself to be renewed. and this was a brilliant opportunity to do so.

when faced with the thought of death, i realized how life is important. when you actually let death stare at your face, you tend to walk the tightrope of your own life and take the risks. all i needed was a push. i knew that there was a certain willfulness to do such an undertaking: that this is what i decide to do today. what got me was to see some things as important and others as unimportant.

with all the things that held me to the past, i let go of. it felt good not to be riddled and be preoccupied with the things that held me down. the present is what remains.

but more than anything else, i felt a sense of total gratitude. that life is good to me. that i am blessed. that in those 25 years, i expereinced fullness. wow.

when i wake up tomorrow, i will be so thankful that there will be another day. and that will be the beginning of the rest of my life.

*****

thanks, jim. that was a great class.

crossroads: the inescapable presence of silence

2005-09-26T12:06:00.000+08:00

no tv. no newspapers. no books. no radio. no music. minimum use of internet (just for e-mail and blogging).

in a creative class of jim paredes, we've been asked to deprive ourselves of the different types of media. first and foremost, this is to allow creativity to come in without the trappings and expectations of society, especially that of our country's unbearable media (on a side note: i would definitely not be creative by watching kris aquino). secondly, which i think is more important, is that this kind of deprivation allows more space for thinking. it gives for more opportunity to have a breathing room and dwell on personal longings and dreams.

i don't watch much television (except for rockstar: inxs and tennis matches). i only read the newspaper for less than 10 minutes in the morning (with the comics section being the longest). those things were easy for me to give up. but i surf the net, read a lot of books and music fills my everyday. these are the things that i needed to let go, even for a while. though i haven't really been faithful with the minimum use of the internet (still reading other people's blogs and use internet forums), i've been able to reflect a lot: on getting older, current involvements, career path and relationships.

man, the space that i have to think is quite immense. i enjoy quiet moments but allowing moments of fear, discomfort and doubt to enter? to let the unbearable lightness of being sink in? to dig deep again and go back into a quarter life crisis? to engage in past regrets? with these thoughts in mind, it's so tempting to turn on the television, get a book from my shelf or open i-tunes and just shut these thoughts up.

but then again, revising my personal map towards my true north seems so compelling. to experience abundance over and over again, each and every day, to breathe life into my longings and dreams: this is what draws me to this experience. to go though this would be to allow a space to have my being utterly renewed.

i still have a week left in this class and i still don't know what to do in the next few months, let alone for the rest of my life. but i need this now to be sane/crazy (whichever way you look at it) for the rest of my life.

down memory lane: the game of love

2005-09-21T10:51:00.000+08:00

i still remember falling in love with tennis 15 years ago in noontime sweltering heat, having played for 4 hours and asking for 2 more of the same conditions. never mind if i started playing it like baseball, thinking that homers would give me points. never mind if i had to do push-ups with fatigued arms for mistakes i made. never mind that i wasn't as technically sound as the other junior players. all i knew then was that when i whacked the ball, i felt good.

i've tried other sports over the course of the years, but it seems that i always come back to this one. a special bond, i might say. tennis has always been close to my heart. 15 years down the road, i've learned to understand the intricacies of the sport.

it is a game of rituals. i have my own set of preparations: opening my can of tennis balls; cleaning the dust on the painted lines with my shoes; shaking the dirt of my soles with my racquet; preparing to receive a serve; twisting of the handle of the racquet in between strikes of the ball. it gives me the space that i need to string points together and remain competitive over the course of an hour.

it is a game of respect. opponents will be too good at times. they deserve an applause. and the only way to win is to respect the game of the other. first and foremost, i am able to play because of my opponent. i find new heights in my game when pushed by a good opponent. i look forward to be on the other side of the net of a good competitor.

it is a game of tenacity. the player who wins is the one who could hold his nerves better. missed chances may occur often but what matters is that one moves on from those. this is not a game for the light-hearted. it is a game of mistakes where line calls may or may not be correct. where points can be made with the length of a hairstrand. where a ball hitting a netcord can land anywhere. where heart and courage, above all else, are the measures of success.

it is a game where you cannot hide your true self. especially in singles, a player cannot mask his state, or even his emotions. this even happens with the best of 'em. i remember the time when pete sampras played in the 1996 us open where he had his heart on his sleeve. a man not known for showing his emotions, looked so sullen and yet so determined on court when he just lost his coach tim gullikson to brain cancer at the age of 44. he actually cried on court when he played against alex corretja on that fortnight. it's bringing what you have on court and laying whatever cards you have.

i've uncovered a lot about myself playing tennis. and if and when i do decide to have a family, i definitely want my children to learn this sport. it has taught me a lot and i hope and pray that this sport will give to them as much as it has given me. it was, and still is, the game that i play. and at the end of the day, whatever the scoreline is, it will always be game, set, match and both the winner and the loser will walk of the court.

it is a sport for the ages. a sport where a man stands and faces his demons. a sport where the word 'love' is built upon. a sport where life itself is mimicked so subtlely, yet so profoundly.

indeed, i have found my sport.

mataya-taya

2005-09-20T19:19:00.000+08:00

i've been tagged by honey to do a survey on a list of sevens. so here goes:

seven things that scare me
1. being dropped off in a den of lions in the middle of serengeti
2. being in a bank when it is being robbed
3. being in perpetual limbo, or as jon used to call it, eternal pagkabitin
4. being attacked by a great white during a dive
5. watching nothing else but willie revillame 24/7 (oh, help me if that happens!)
6. when i open the door of my room, i still end up in my room and open the door again and end up in my room again and try opening the door again and yet still be in my room again and again and again... (this really gives me shudders!)
7. losing all the rainforest cover that we have in this world

seven things i like the most
1. tennis
2. wine
3. dogs
4. books
5. cd's
6. lego
7. bubble wrap

seven random facts about me
1. my favorite section in the supermarket is the detergent section. i look like an addict (sniffing for minutes on end) when i'm there.
2. my heroes (people i really admire) include norwegian speed skater johann olav koss, urbanpromise founder bruce main, italian award-winning architect renzo piano and filipino physicist ceasar saloma.
3. i've had three lives at the age of 25: a marine researcher, a person working in makati (which i would never want to be defined by), and a camp facilitator.
4. i designed the current house that i'm living in (with the help of a structural engineer).
5. the fastest time that i drove from makati to the house in quezon city was 12 minutes flat. it was in the middle of the night but i was tipsy at that time. that was a few years ago and i would never drive like that again. (this is me getting a bit older.) but some of my friends still call me a rally car driver. hahaha!
6. as of today, i have 221 friends in my friendster list.
7. last movie i watched was hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. that was an unusual but funny film!

seven things in my bedroom
(edit: i removed the word important)
1. of course being a bedroom, it's supposed to have a bed!
2. poster of muhammad ali
3. my laptop
4. books
5. clothes
6. rainmaker
7. upland drum from sri lanka

seven things i plan to do before i die
i actually have 50 things to do before i die but i'm only being asked 7.
1. learn how to surf (siargao, here i come!)
2. living in another country for graduate studies
3. look at the ceiling of the sistine chapel
4. swim with dolphins
5. trek to machu picchu
6. watch tennis in wimbledon
7. go skydiving

seven things i can do
1. roll and twirl my tongue
2. transplant a coral (cut, transport and cement) underwater
3. do non-linear video editing
4. cook and bake
5. peel a kiwi in less than 10 seconds
6. do the bow in capoeira
7. play hardcore poker

seven things i can't do
1. bike (yes, for all the things i do, i don't know how to bike, but i'm still determined to learn before the age of 30)
2. move from an overhang in a climbing wall
3. understand the game of cricket
4. do a handstand
5. teleport to another place
6. stop time
7. levitate

seven things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. can carry her own things (especially on hikes or treks!)
2. likes to go on adventures
3. can carry a good conversation
4. laughs at my jokes
5. has a good world view
6. has dreams and aspirations
7. if a filipino, nationalistic (has a heart for the country)

seven things i say the most
1. astig!
2. ingat!
3. ayt!
4. good.
5. talaga?
6. sige...
7. dude, pare, etc.

seven celeb crushes
i used to have a crush on juday, but since i met her, it has changed! hahaha!
1. mylene dizon
2. audrey hepburn
3. angel locsin
4. zhang ziyi
5. kristen dunst (especially in crazy/beautiful)
6. jun ji hyun (of my sassy girl)
7. kimiko date (a former tennis player)

*****

new blog banner:

captivated by kiukok

2005-09-06T09:50:00.000+08:00

it was a dance like nothing i've ever seen. sharp-edged and twisted, the dancers displayed anger, hate, anguish, provocation, eroticism, love, hope, birth and death. it was a dance of momentariness, worldliness but at the same time provided the palpable quality of the eternal. they were movements that speak of our own personhood, of qualities we speak of, and sometimes what we refuse to speak of. the movements even question the labels that you put on yourself.

it's been ages since i've seen a dance that makes you reflect philosophically.

sitting in balcony 2 in the ccp main theater, i was astounded by the shapes and movements that these dancers brought. based on the paintings of kiukok, the company brought to life the enormous emotionality of each brushstroke of this national artist. when they played on the theme of death, they focused on how a man struggles with that thought and yet cannot escape it. frailty but achieving more and more a sense of wholeness (even if it is seen in glimpses). it showed what we hold true in our lives and it is indeed the ultimate test of how we love (and love itself).

after watching the dance, i've found a greater appreciation of kiukok's work. i've been a fan since his works were introduced to me by one of my classmates in the university. i thank people like these who open up my eyes and bring greater depth to my person. thanks. it really makes me even more proud to be filipino.

note: painting copyright of ang kiukok

thoughts for the road

2005-08-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

this title was used as a chapter ender from the book edited by ban breathnach and segell. i find it apt for this blog. i'll be writing my own thoughts soon but let me start off with something from the book itself.

thoughts for the road: ten things a man worth his salt should know how to do
by jake morrissey

1. sweep a woman off her feet.
2. calm a fear.
3. make a wish come true - for someone else.
4. keep a promise.
5. motivate a peer.
6. make a child giggle.
7. tell a ghost story.
8. change a tire.
9. write a love letter.
10. ask for directions.

top 5 scenic roads in the philippines

2005-08-22T16:51:00.000+08:00

when asked about my occupation on online forms, i usually place 'roadtripper'. i enjoy roadtrips and have been on amazing ones. going through a scenic route with a cup of hot chocolate and a conversation with friends is my idea of a great trip. added to that, going through one makes me proud to be a filipino.

here's my top 5:

1. unpaved national road from cabanatuan, nueva ecija to baler, aurora: it's one of the most lush greeneries that i have seen roadside. you wouldn't know what a rainforest looks like unless you see this one. really soothing to the eyes.

2. halsema highway: there are actually 2 beautiful sections of hasema. one from baguio to bontoc and the other one is from bontoc to tabuk. (i consider bontoc to be a break from the scenery. sorry to people who actually like the place.) the baguio to bontoc route is the highest in the philippine highway system. it is lined with wonderful mountain formations with rocks and pine trees dotting the landscape. feels like you're in some scenes of lotr. on the other hand, the bontoc to tabuk section is an experience on its own. imagine this: the road sits beside the river. running parralel beside the road and the river are 2 mountain ranges with grassy hillsides which are sometimes used as the canvass for the rice terraces. old human bridges also traverse the river and create a distinct feel for this region.

3. national highway from malaybalay to davao city: going from plateau to lowlands to mountains and back to lowlands (near the seaside) gives an impression that this landscape allows for multidues of sightseeing.

4. east road from antipolo to caliraya: if the timing is perfect, you could just see the famed manila bay sunset from one of the outlook points on the highway. plus there's a section where bamboo grass lines on side of the road. seems like zhang ziyi and chow yun-fat would just leap out from those plants. really feels like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

5. bohol national road that goes through loboc river and chocolate hills: just those 2 wonders of nature is enough to make me drive on this road.

monday oozing with the good stuff

2005-08-22T15:34:00.000+08:00

earlier today, i went to the opening of the new teletech call center in novaliches. teletech invited some of the people from cali; as such, i was there. i personally wouldn't want to go near one and i wasn't really interested in this industry. i know it's not what i want to do but then again, i got an invite, so i went. also, i was curious to see what was inside.

initially, they toured us around the building. it was amazing to see an office space this large in novaliches: 2 floors with floorspace of almost a hectare. training rooms for employees to learn american, aussie and irish accents plus language rooms for korean and thai. conference rooms in the middle of the call center. their own coffee shop and a restaurant (note: it's not a canteen) that looks like a posh restaurant in greenbelt. and computers are all over the place with each computer placed in a workstation. wow. i haven't been inside a call center and this really impressed me.

and that's only scratching the surface.

when we were asked to sit down and gather in the restaurant for a ceremony, they said that this is the largest call center of teletech outside continental united states with 2,000 employees when operations become complete. in 3 and a half years, this is their third call center in the philippines. added to that, the philippine gm said that the innate character of the filipino to be caring puts it above other call centers in the world. this company is banking on the country. we have this edge and it's good that people are recognizing it. and more than that, they are helping out public school teachers by providing them with scholarships for english language training. in quezon city, they will be awarding 50 shcolarships for this school year.

i don't want to work in a call center. that i know of. but the jobs that they generate and the people that they help. that is something. and more than anything else, it gives me hope today. that this country is still worth it. that we still have what it takes to make this nation great.

i want to see the country developed in my lifetime. wouldn't it be great to tell your grandchildren that you helped rebuild this already amazing country?

*****

over lunch, they served us food catered by makati shangri-la. they served circles food. and i'm very glad that they had kani sushi! my craving has been satisfied for this week! what a good cap to great monday morning!

it makes me wanna smile!

2005-08-20T11:43:00.000+08:00

the other day, after i was finished buying the stuff that i needed in megamall, i went over to tower records in the same shopping complex. i wanted to browse around, while away my time and make full use of my 35 peso parking fee (which means i stay in a mall for an hour instead of 30 minutes). initially, i was contemplating on buying isha, orange and lemons, imago or bamboo.

to think about which one i was going to buy, i browsed other racks of cd's. i went through the pop/rock section not expecting to see anything that i liked: they ran out of bloc party, no new disc of the dave matthews band and no cd of aqualung. but then again, when i reached the letter 'w', i saw brian wilson's 'smile'!

this cd has been touted as one of the best cd's of 2004 by many music critics and i was quite surprised that nobody grabbed this yet. i mean, this album was uncompleted since 1967 (started writing in the summer of 1966) and has been the elusive goal of the artist since he was still part of the beach boys. 38 years in the making, man! imagine that! forget the other discs that i'm supposed to choose from. this is a cd that nobody is going to take away from me (this was the last piece). here's a cd that's already considered a classic and just for 405 pesos, getting this one should indeed be a no brainer! a smile for this 'smile'!

my day is made when i find musical gems such as this one. a few months ago, it was the wilco cd in changi airport in singapore and now this. i'm really finding some good stuff in the letter 'w' section of the racks of music stores.

cotton bud-dy

2005-08-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

for five months, i've endured using cotton swabs that use small plastic tubes/sticks. good thing i've finished that! now, i'm back to q-tips and my ears are enjoying the cleaning! no other cotton bud can be called my bud-dy.

wednesday group

2005-08-17T11:42:00.000+08:00

just to put things into perspective: no, this is not the reincarnation of that's entertainment. and no, this is not about a favorite hangout of kuya germs.

*****

for a few weeks now, my former officemates and i meet wednesday nights in the business district to hang out and talk about anything and everything under the sun (from the mundane to the insane). i find this a good opportunity to unwind mid-week and just have a great time with friends.

initially, we ranted a lot about office politics but we've more or less gotten over that. now, week after week, diversity has been the name of the game and conversations have been more and more engaging (you can only talk so much about office politics! hahaha!). talking with interesting people ranks as one of my favorite activities. add a couple of sanmig lights (or insert here the drink of your choice) to that, and you get an impeccably delightful evening!

so see you guys later! and please, no practice for a song and dance number!

blogging in small caps

2005-08-09T17:37:00.000+08:00

people who write in small caps are often asked if they're fans of e.e. cummings.

well, i'm not. he's not even in my list of favorite poets. i just find it easier to type in this fashion. for one, it doesn't impede my thought process; i get to enjoy writing all the more without any minor stumbling blocks. secondly, it grants a more informal/casual look (from an aesthetic point of view).

in the past, when asked to make designs (logo, branding, brochures, etc.), i've used small letters in defining the brand unless the client specifies that i use capital letters. but with single color designs, i tend not to capitalize. instead, i play on this limitation and use other mechanisms of calligraphic design (bold, italics, font size, etc.) to communicate my point.

among consumer brands, celio, bench and greenwich all define their brands without capitalizations. it's not that caps are relegated secondary to design, it's just that most brands define themselves using all caps and using small letters provide a subtle suggestion to consumers that this brand, album or package is out of the ordinary. but then again, if everybody used it, then it would be ordinary and i'll start typing my blog with capitalizations.

aqualung

2005-08-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

one of my current music faves is aqualung. i've found matt hales cracking voice suit my brand of emotionality. just hearing the song 'take me home' tends to recall times of inner homelessness and longings for peace. it is certainly apt that he called his debut album strange and beautiful, which is what it is. with that, most of his songs have found its way into my top 25 most played itunes list.

*****

over the weekend, i went to biga in laiya, batangas to help out a friend do some research dives. (to those who don't know, i was employed as a marine researcher for 2 years.) after one and a half years of not being able to dive, i needed to fill my aqualung with some salt water.

incidentally, the conditions that greeted me on the first day weren't all that perfect: the current swayed back and forth from time to time, it rained and wind made it all the more harsh to be on the boat. unusually though, because of the conditions, it made it sweet to be out at sea. although i told my co-volunteers about my previous experiences with this kind of weather and ranting about it, deep inside i was having the time of my life. nothing like the harshness of the conditions to exhilarate me! (weird.)

but then again, i love work dives. i got to help out in reef monitoring plus i was with people who very much care for the environment.

thanks day for the opportunity to work with you! hope to do it again soon!

stress management

2005-08-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

enteng tagged me. wanted this to be from a psychologist's point of view but decided otherwise. i'm still half-baked in this field anyway. that aside, here's my answers:

what are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play?

reading. i like devouring information, especially the written kind. reading books allows me to explore worlds other than my own. it doesn't really matter if it's fiction (hesse, coelho and williams), scientific writing (gladwell and gell-man), biographies (hendra and wiesel), fables (duffie), life's instructions (rilke, moore and peck) or picture/photo essays/stories (stine and bantock).

driving. when gas was way cheaper, i used to drive aimlessly on weekends to different places in the metro. not to go anywhere but to go. sometimes, i even turn off the radio when i drive. and i don't mind heavy vehicular traffic. it's one of my few moments when i'm allowed to be alone, find my bearing and find my peace.

graphics design-ing. i have been tinkering with photoshop for 5 years now. and i still can't get enough of it. i even have a folder dedicated to my 'workshop': delving into experimental stuff from multi-filter treatments to mixing different types of digita media. i don't think i'll ever tire of this.

sailing. ever since i've learned earlier this year (to rig the boat, to tack and to jibe), i've craved to go out on the lake and sail. after being a bit reluctant in the beginning, i now know that this is one of the activities that gives me joy and peace. being able to control the elements is an exhilirating experience. indeed, my love for the water just grows more and more.

listening. i love listening to music but then again it's not the only thing that i listen to: birds chirping, the sound of the howling wind, thunder, pouring rain, lapping of waves, even silence. wonder of wonders, this world is indeed blessed with amazing sounds.

building watching. architectural details intrigue me. like looking at the vertical signature of gt tower and how recio+casas made the skyline of makati unique. like understanding the context of greenbelt and how callison architects made it integral to the life of makati. like imbibing design philosophies of mañosa and how he tropicalized and filipinized buildings (san miguel headquarters). like seeing the way calma humanizes space and how important scale is for him (one mckinley).

cooking. don't tell anybody this but i have a big crush on nigella lawson (my jaw just drops watching her cook)! she inspires me to cook. as of now, most of my dishes more or less are based on principles of medditeranean cooking. i love using garlic, tomato, olive oil, basil.

what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?

all of the above plus:

tennis. nothing like a good forehand down the line to make my day complete!

travel. sunsets. moonlit nights. scuba diving. salty seas. blue skies. new smells. sumptuous food. being with old and new friends.

conversations. let me quantify that: good conversations. whether it be in a car, or someone's home, or in a restaurant, i like being in conversations. allows me to know people more and good ones can really expand my horizon.

exercising. know what they say about regular exercise: it can lower psychological stress and quicken recovery. and from personal experience, it can give one better sleep!

saying no. i've recently learned this. i've been a yes man for many years and it has caused me a lot (of stress). now saying no to things that i don't want to do allows me not to spread myself too much. as such, have more time for people and activities that matter.

praying. meeting with God has allowed me to go beyond my perceived insecurities. it has given me peace and hope. that whatever happens, tomorrow is always a new day. as such, it has allowed me to rid of unnecessary expectations. as thomas moore has written, "prayer cleanses us of expectations and allows holy will, providence, and life itself an entry."

surf's up, dude!

2005-07-18T21:17:00.000+08:00

woohoo! surfing the net has never been this good!

i've just set-up the wireless network at home a couple of hours ago and i'm now blogging from my room! my parents were laughing at me when i was bringing my laptop all over the house (with a big smile on my face) testing the signal of the router.

i know, i know that wi-fi has been here for quite a while. i've used it before but still this is extremely amazing! i mean, having it at home really is something. waterbaby would have to agree with me on this.

there's wi-fi in cali and now at home. what more could i ask for?

life on the open road

2005-07-05T19:12:00.000+08:00

when i grow up, i wanna be like batman

2005-06-26T20:13:00.000+08:00

chris nolan is da man! batman begins is the best batman movie i've seen and my testosterone spiked a hundredfold after watching that amazing film!

so it's now official: the next occupation i will have will be batman.

i can already imagine it: black suit (no underwear over the suit, please!), cape, bat-like mask and other special paraphernalia while crossing different buildings in the metro (would be great on a full moon) and getting a crack at those villains. plus, i get a kiss in the end with the lovely ms. katie holmes!

i should have kept that batman costume during halloween of 1987.

now, how do i change my name to bruce wayne?

milo part 3

2005-06-15T20:24:00.001+08:00

my first encounter with packed milo in the philippines after a year of not having any turned out like this. (thanks to day for the tip on the location.) presenting the first edition of the screenplay 'milo, ba't ka nawala?' (translated as 'milo and the lost empire'):

*****

fade in:

ext. eunilane supermarket, kalayaan ave., quezon city

lex getting 3 tetrapacks of milo from one of the shelves in eunilane and paying them in the counter. the camera pans over to the exit area and lex seems to be shuffling his feet (if it were raining, he would probably be dancing-ala-singing-in-the-rain).

cut to:

the parking lot and lex getting in the car. the camera moves to the front and is focused on lex. he gives a smirk. it was as if he has defeated darth vader and is basking in his triumph.

cut to:

ext. philcoa, commonwealth ave., quezon city

showing his dexterity, lex takes a pack of milo and sticks a straw in it while driving. carrying the milo in his left hand, he takes his first sip of the malty drink. without missing a beat, his eyes become watery. camera focuses on his eyes. here, emotions overcome him and a feeling of vindication flows over him. a shout is heard.

lex: ang sarap! wooohoooo!

he's thinking, "if only celine dion were playing on the radio, this would be perfect". his hand trembles as he takes the last sip from the tetrapack. camera focuses on his lips and it seems as though that he is starting to drool. a burp is heard.

cut to:

ext. house in an undisclosed location

camera seems to be panning outside a bathroom door where strange sounds are heard. is there a bomb attack? more like biochemical warfare is about to begin. still camera is focused on the door.

sound fade out.

camera fade out.

homecoming

2005-06-14T20:44:00.000+08:00

six trips in four weeks: that seems to be my all-time travel record. haven't kept track of my mileage but with the looks of it going from galera to tiaong to sagada to baguio to kabayan to caliraya, i've probably clocked around an average of 100 kilometers a day.

if you told me this in january, i never thought that i'd be travelling as much but since my resignation, i've been going around as frantically as possible. not that i force it to, it's just that i was at the right siuation at the right time. grabbing opportunities like this is a (or should be a) no brainer. a person with feet itching to journey needs to go around.

and so i went and found.

the smell of the salty sea. moonlit nights. the sound of the wind passing through pine trees. clouds rising over the mountains. sumptuous food. openess of the people that i have met. great conversations. the company of friends. the wealth of experiences. myself. my home.

with each trip, i have found myself in a homecoming of sorts. i never felt at home while i was working in makati. being in long sleeves and a tie and losing 3 hours to commute each day is not my idea of living. being looked upon because i work in the most prestigious address in the philippines doesn't suit me well. i was never fond of being boxed up in mere titles. in fact, i seemed lost in all that. it was as if i wasn't in my own skin.

now with all these travel, i am slowly finding out what is important and unimportant in my life.

funny how ironic it is that with this 'moving-away', i actually encounter more and more of myself, and actually find a sense of wholeness. travel has always made me a better person especially when juxtaposed with people who reflect upon my own person, my own reality. i find it amazing how i experience growth in journey-making with people. in these past few weeks, i've been encouraged by people to be my own person (without them really intending to). i believe that a good conversation, a shared meal can be a way to encounter the good in this life.

besides clothes and toiletrees, there is one other thing that i carry with me when i travel: an open dispositon. jon once told me to continue to be open to the world for it yeilds generously to people who do. i find this especially true in my journeys. when i was open, the world has given me more and as such i have learned a lot. people have been more open and generous to me when i allowed myself to be there in that moment. i remember going to hong kong a couple of years back and have found it to be a very friendly place. hong kong isn't exactly known to be the most welcoming of places but i've experienced otherwise. a person cannot receive something that he keeps from other people. as such, i am extremely grateful for travelling friends who look at life in the same way as i do (i hate travelling with people with closed minds).

i love to travel and i know that i find my home through this. (going in the direction of home is always a good destination.) when i am closer to home, i know i am closer to free. as such, i am profoundly grateful for the travels in these past few weeks.

indeed, in all of these, the brown-eyed son has returned home.

images of sagada

2005-05-30T16:29:00.000+08:00

sagada ranks as one of my favorite places in the philippines. friendly people, wonderful vistas, fresh food and cheap accomodations. hope you can see it for yourself.

in the meantime, here are the pix:

view of sagada from the mountain trail

the infamous hanging coffins of sagada

view from echo valley

the lake beside the trail to mt. ampacaw

typical window of a sagada house

tambay

quezon food fest

2005-05-30T15:47:00.000+08:00

a couple of my friends and i went to ugu bigyan's ceramic workshop cum restaurant in tiaong, quezon. being a foodie, i obviously enjoyed their fare (they cooked up a mean lunch!). but even without the food, the place was worth the visit.

here's the photos:

balinese style restaurant

bench at the side of ugu's house

lotus flower

dried flowers in a ceramic bowl

a different side of galera

2005-05-29T15:46:00.000+08:00

i was in galera about a week back. stayed in kalaw place, located on the quieter side of galera. (was really glad we didn't stay in white beach - felt like you were in a mall in manila.) had a relaxing time, to say the least.

that aside, here's the photos:

view from veranda

by the pier

the red boat

another pier

view from sand bar beach resort

change of plans (change of pace)

2005-05-29T15:34:00.000+08:00

was supposed to be in cali today but i cancelled it. couldn't use my car. i still don't have a plate.

but it's still a great day. had time to develop and upload the pictures from galera, quezon and sagada. had time to download a couple of songs by postal service. had time to change my browser to mozilla firefox. and will have time to post my trip pix here.

despite the change in plans, this still is a great day.

roadtripper

2005-05-24T13:16:00.000+08:00

i was in galera over the weekend and yesterday in tiaong, quezon. tomorrow til saturday, i'll be in sagada. sunday and monday be in cali. tuesday onwards, be in benguet for a med mission.

man, this is the life! woohoo!

milo part 2

2005-05-24T12:53:00.000+08:00

darn, i am milo-deprived!

my desperation with milo has taken another turn. (to tell you the truth that right now, i would probably marry a girl who could make me a malty milo. a man deserves a woman who could make him a glass of this heavenly stuff.)

*****

this past weekend, i was in galera and a friend of mine, jam, brought powdered milo but no milk and sugar! can anybody be more cruel than that!

while we were haing breakfast, another friend of ours, ray, unconsciously suggested that we mix coffee with beer. as he said that, i immediately thought of mixing milo and beer! a strange concoction but what can you do to a desperate man?

so did i make one? well, i wasn't that hardcore.

after getting tipsy with booze that night, my world was in equilibrium again. so sue me but i had my malt, just in another form.

my own set of rules

2005-05-24T12:33:00.000+08:00

what makes me experience the good things in life? i have certain unbreakable rules that help me do so:

rule #1: the year ahead will always be better than the last
rule #2: you cannot give what you do not have
rule #3: treat people as people and not as anything else
rule #4: measure life and success in terms of love
rule #5: relationships are more important than anything else
rule #6: magis
rule #7: do one thing that scares you everyday, take risks
rule #8: shake off the dust once mistakes are made
rule #9: the best things in life are free
rule #10: the world yields to a man who is open

to the horizon

2005-05-24T11:36:00.000+08:00

"i see no obstacles in reaching the horizon"
- alberto granado in 'travelling with che guevarra'

resigning a little more than a week back, i've realized that there's just so much to hope for. despite what happened, i know that the possibilities in life are endless.

i am extremely thankful for family and friends conspiring to make my life amazing. and because of that, i can still see magnificence -- and as such experience pleasure, or more appropriately, the good in things, experiences and people. a friend of mine once commented that i like to use the word 'amazing'. as i see it, the words i use are a reflection on how i see life.

nobody can tear a person down as long as one allows them to. and life is still amazing no matter what.

life is full. always was, always is.

attempts of an amateur photographer

2005-04-30T15:04:00.000+08:00

here are my photos from my sri lanka trip a couple of weeks back. a beautiful place, to say the least.

sunday school at the botanical gardens

smitten by the wind

the guardian at the temple

painting on the eaves, tooth temple, kandy

the old woman by the door

life on board project

2005-04-23T07:54:00.000+08:00

"well, you dont know and so you have to take the risk of living and trying and explaining and visiting unkown places if you want to have a life, if you want to make an impact." and so goes the start of a conversation between interactive space designer favia sparacino and 'utopia' architect jaime lerner while in a car, xc90 to be specific, from naples to rome.

as part of volvo's life on board project, they were asked to go in a car with cameras recording their conversation. it is implied in these commercials that when you bring into conversation 2 people who embrace their personhood and are fascinating because of that, you get nothing short of a brilliant colloquy. they were not the only ones. totalling 6, others include conversations between a model and a photographer, an industrial designer and a contemporary artist, a stock broker and a magician/psychologist, a surfer (who got bitten by a shark but still surfs) and a jockey, and a planetary scientist and an art director.

i, myself, enjoy conversations that occur in cars. when i saw those commercials, first thing i said was, 'this is me!' some people know that i like giving people a ride. and my only condition for people to ride with me is that they offer a decent conversation. in a way, i get to know them more because of it. some of my most memorable conversations has been in a car. well, of course, there are other places such as dinner tables, quaint coffee shops, faculty lounges, tambayans, anywhere where you can watch a sunset, etc.

i'm longing for another road trip soon. anyone want to join in?

bankang papel

2005-04-19T21:25:00.000+08:00

it has always fascinated me when people recall long buried memories due to far off-triggers: unrelated events or things, that is. it's like remembering eating butterball after a game of monopoly with your cousins while watching a horror movie. far out? i know. but it happens.

case in point: i had one today.

i was reading the newspaper on the win of rafael nadal in the monte carlo tennis masters when suddenly i find myself remembering a tune from way back when. initially, i couldn't pinpoint the exact name of the song when it dawned on me that it was 'bangkang papel' from the defunct filipino kiddie show called 'batibot'!

suddenly, a floodgate opened. memories started pouring out: i remembered the show having the making of palitaw to the crystal ball of manang bola to kuya bodjie telling stories under the big tree in the middle of the rotonda to the making of the bangkang papel and having it float on a sidestreet canal to kiko matsing and pong pagong showing up in school when i was in grade 1 and how i was so excited to see them then (i think i'll still be excited now if i see those mascots!).

i then recalled how childhood has been so amazing. now, those were good memories.

*****

a few years back, jon noted how nostalgia implies homelessness. this is partly true due to the fact that we allow ourselves to live in the past and not the present and ask the question 'where am i (going)?' (and as such a sense of homelessness). but then again, i believe that the past also recounts how magificent life has been, and to remember it gives hope that things in the present may equal that or may even be better.

the list of good things that happened in the past can go on and on and on and i think i will do the same 10 years, 20 years, from now, heck, even the day i die. any part of life (for that matter) indeed oozes with the good stuff.

that ghost is mine

2005-04-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i bid my time shopping while waiting for my flight back to manila in changi airport, singapore. i don't usually shop but when i do, i go to a record bar. here it was no different.

i immediately looked for one. saw it in a small corner of an electronic store. starting from letter 'a', i saw nothing but 'pop'ular music (of course they want to cater to the many travellers who listen to these types of music -- bubblegum pop and packaged artists. i know, i know, i'm guilty of this as well. but i was in the mood for some indie that day.) reaching letter 'w', i was about to give up when i saw the 2004 cd of wilco entitled 'a ghost is born'! amazing! i've been a big fan ever since i got their last cd entitled 'yankee hotel foxtrot'. brilliant musicians especially that jeff tweedy.

didn't care if it cost me almost php 1000. that ghost is indeed mine!

milo

2005-04-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

about a year ago, a friend of mine got me hooked again on milo. not just any milo, but the milo in a tetrapak -- the malty, creamy kind. it's become such an intense craving that i need it at least once a week (same as my sushi craving).

problem is, it's difficult to find it in manila. all i've been seeing are the ones sold in plastic cups. i've been to the gas station food shops, supermarkets, sari-sari stores. name it, i've been there. i couldn't find it anywhere. it's so frustrating that i've been thinking of starting a picket outside the nestle office in rockwell.

good thing i didn't resort to that because i found some yesterday! bought one to my heart's delight (and my tummy's as well).

you may never guess it but i found one of all places, (drumroll, please...) here in sri lanka! and because of that, the trip here has been worth it. (nothing like sipping through that straw while watching the lake through my hotel window.)

alam kong mababaw lang ako.

anyway, i've been thinking of hording some before i head home. baka pigilan lang ako sa immigration ng pinas.

these are days

2005-04-02T14:02:00.000+08:00

well you told me so
that we'd seen this all before
so what is it (that) keeps us coming back for more?

i'll hold a light for you to see
all things in time, all you'll ever need

- all things in time, toad the wet sprocket

i was with my relatives (father's side) til the wee hours of the morning yesterday.

it started out as a surprise (or as a cousin of mine would say, 'suprise!') dinner for the 5oth birthday of my dad's sister. feeling that the party was 'bitin' after 3 hours of being with each other, the cousins and some of the older ones (my dad's siblings) transferred to the reyes-pante house.

gathering around the living room, people suddenly felt nostalgic. an uncle of ours started telling embarassing stories of our past -- from the ridiculous to the censored. (mine was the laughing pissing 3 year old -- i'll tell you about it if ever you mention it to me.) we were laughing so hard. it felt like i was this kid again, climbing up the monkey bars, sliding down the lamp post, running around the house, playing monopoly, getting candies for holloween, and on and on.

realizing it now, it was great being a kid in that family.

if you told this to me 10 years ago that we'd be hanging out like this, i wouldn't believe you. we had a tumultuous past and i wasn't hoping for this to happen again. but it did and it does.

i now know that even if there is a mundane facet to family reunions, i wouldn't trade it for the world. i would definitely be coming back for more.

reading: one of my joys in life

2005-03-29T21:59:00.000+08:00

got this from barry. wanted me to answer this, so here it is.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. What book do you want to be?

was initially thinking of 'a chronicle of a death foretold' by gabriel garcia marquez. but i'm thinking of either 'the fifth mountain', 'beside the river piedra i sat down and wept' or 'the alchemist' (all by paolo coelho). go figure.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

gabriella castoldi from the book 'as it is in heaven' by niall williams. the author breathes her out as a passionate but fragile travelling italian musician. i fall in love with musicians and have a crush on italian women (or at least those who know how to cook pasta!). if she were my muse, i would want her to whispher into my ear (during you know what) my italian name, alejandro...

The last book you bought is...

i bought a fitness book but it wasn't worth it so that doesn't count. i'm as sluggish as i've ever been... should have bought a book on improving my tennis service instead.

the one before that was actually 3 books (a trilogy) that i bought at the same time: 'the golden mean' trilogy by nick bantock. it's the continuation of the popular griffin and sabine trilogy. mind boggling and philosophical. i think it wasn't the story i was expecting. the illustrator/author does it again.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

eleven minutes by paolo coelho
smaller and smaller circles by f.h. batacan
the mole and the owl by charles duffie
the world of richard stine by richard stine
siddhartha by herman hesse

kung puwede pang dalawa... letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke and blindness by jose sarmago

What are you currently reading?

'travelling with che guevara: the making of a revolutionary' by alberto granado. this book makes me want to travel across south america. next book i would probably read would be 'god of small things' by arundathi roy. had that in my bookshelf for quite a while.

Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?

dave, jam and trish. because they read awesome books.

liwanag sa dilim

2005-01-13T10:00:00.000+08:00

went to the photography exhibit of a friend of mine in megamall yesterday evening. the exhibit is called "liwanag sa dilim" with vandalisms by renowned artists (such as noel cabangon, buddy zabala, cynthia alexander, luis katigbak). If you've never seen vandalisms at an exhibit, it means that these could be drawings or poetry over the poster size cityscape photogtraphs penned by certain people, in this case, artists (mostly musicians and poets).

personally, i liked the photos. especially the lightning bolts. now those were amazing shots!

it's great to see the city in the eyes of a different person.

kung fu hustle

2005-01-09T00:28:00.000+08:00

just watched kung fu hustle yesterday and all i can say about this movie is: asteeeg! great action, good comedy! would probably buy a dvd once it comes out.

bought a new book!

2005-01-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

woohoo! got myself a new architectural tradebook in powerbooks! it's a cheap find too with the works of norman foster, renzo piano, richard meier, santiago calatrava and rafael moneo gracing the pages of the book.

i've never been this happy buying a book in a long time!

bumping into people

2005-01-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

this was a good week to bump into people. i saw my high school kabarkada, former bosses, college orgmate, friends from community, among others.

it was cool seeing them again. makes me realize more and more that my own happiness stems from the relationships that i have.

anilao wedding

2004-12-30T08:01:00.000+08:00

i was invited to go to anilao for the past couple of days for a beach wedding. it was an unusual one (in a good way) with all of us wearing hawaiian shirts. it was cool seeing the parents give words of wisdom and the couple exchanging vows while the sun was going down. the setting made the wedding a good one. i guess, i just love good things that happen by the sea, whether it be a wedding, stargazing, or even just chilling out.

what's more, i didn't have to pay anything at the resort. this is a good end to the year.

going on public commute

2004-12-03T10:15:00.000+08:00

i love driving but since starting work in makati, i've preferred to go on public commute.

and since i've started this type of commute, let me enumerate what makes it better than bringing my own car:

1. i don't spend on gas
2. i don't spend on exorbitant parking fees
3. as such, i spend less
4. i don't have to experience other angry drivers like me
5. faster to get home on the train
6. i get to walk more and as such am forced to exercise
7. being on the mrt, i get to see edsa and the environs on a different vantage point (the cars are moving so slooooww. hehe...)

and last but not the least (i realized this as of yesterday morning),

8. i bump into people that i haven't seen for a long time

and i think this is the best part about it. i get to walk and talk with friends and do some catching up. cool especially when you see 'the girl' of 2 years past. hehe... that aside, it's a great joy of mine seeing those people again.

hope to bump into you one of these days!

davao

2004-12-02T06:08:00.000+08:00

had a brilliant trip in davao city over the long weekend. this trip was overdue by about a year. at the same time, needed some time off from all that is manila (darn stress associated with that place).

so i went saturday morning armed with just a backpack and just one thing to achieve: to relax. i didn't care if it was structured or unstructured, i just wanted to slow down my pace (at least for the next 3 days).

it was a great trip: seeing rays of the sun puncturing the clouds and hitting the mounatinside, breathing clean air, smelling (and tasting!) the salty sea, walking on a white sandy beach, eating great food, chilling out and hanging out & talking with friends. great for postcards, i tell you.

but of all these, i really enjoyed being with the people: very accomodating. i felt the warmth. they made it a really memorable stay. though it was short, they were my mentors/guides and friends at the same time.

i had fun, to say the least, and hope to do it again soon.

pan de coco

2004-12-01T11:17:00.000+08:00

i wanted this blog to have the address of pandecoco.blogspot.com but somebody beat me to it.

pan de coco has been my food staple when i'm out on trips, easing my hunger pangs and filling my incessant cravings. where else can you find a food item that costs 1 peso and give you this much satisfaction? eating this is one of the simple pleasures in my life (and hence the title of my blog).

but then again, there's kani sushi which is another one of my staples. good thing this address hasn't been taken.