green is for go
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
for the past couple of weeks, i have submitted 3 important application forms (for a hong kong-based outdoor team building company, to a friend in singapore, to a canadian-based volunteer organization). why do i say that these are important? well, these applications (1) are what i want to do, (2) would allow me to live elsewhere for a while, (3) are a key to my personal growth and (4) move me away from my own fear.
i find that this is already a major step for me. i have always feared the risk of leaving while things are comfortable here -- i have my family, my friends, the things that i do. (for a person who likes to travel, this may seem absurd). sometimes, i do cling to too many things.
i am also quite scared about the impermance of all things. people who are around me will not be here someday and traveling and living elsewhere might break those sometimes fragile bonds. things will be different and yet i feel that this is all false rootedness. in this, i am following the expectations of other people and not of myself. (at the end of my life, i don't want to blame people for the things that i have not done.) and only when i learn to follow my own path will i have real personal growth.
submitting the application forms allowed me the freedom to dream what i want to dream. i had a talk with one of the people i respect and she told me not to pursue this (especially with the volunteer work). she said that this will be a year lost in my career path. for a while i did believe in what she said and had a very difficult time completing the form. but then that is her expectation of me and not my expectation of myself. and this freed me up. i still wanted to do this.
at the end of the day, this is still my life.
other than the false pretenses, there is also much reason to remain. my friends and i started 2 new ventures: a food business and a travel publishing company with the former moving quite well. we've had some clients and seems like we'll be having a lot more. but more than this, i enjoy what i do. i get to cook and be of service to people. i also get to grow as a person -- have responsibility, be accountable to others and practice integrity.
i just tell myself right now that this is all for the better. even if i plan for my future, i cannot stop living my life now and just wait to be accepted. as long as i know that this is how i want to live my life and if this is what will make me reach my potential, then its all good.
in the past, i was so hellbent on finding and pursuing my own calling that i was unable to realize that all the things that we are doing now prepares us for that. i put my own stop signs failing to understand that what i have and what i do gave me the necessary tools to reach my potential. i was unable to seize the moment. but now, i believe that i am.
as they say, take the plunge. all bets are off, anyway.
posted by lex @ 10:56 AM,
anticipation
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
a week ago, my brother and my sister-in-law announced that they are pregant and will be having a baby (i love it that they say 'we' and not as a singular person -- that both are at stake and both are involved). even if i have nephews and nieces (sons and daughters of my cousins), this will be a first for our family. an entirely new experience (wow).
for the past few days, i see my brother and his wife with beaming faces. i see my parents so happy to take on their role as grandparents. i see myself filled with curiousity and amazement. i see all of us full of anticipation and hope. i am totally at awe at what this is bringing to our family. my family seems different. different, but good different -- there is a warmth that i can't explain.
i never knew that this is what it would feel like to anticipate birth of someone that you love even before they are born. now i understand how it was like before i was born. that it mattered. that it meant something significant. that it was that it was brought about by a hopefulness that things do get better, that life continues, that love is indeed real.
now i understand.
posted by lex @ 9:16 PM,
