stalled on the road: immobility
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
if you were to choose a way to twist and ruin your ankle, what would you choose:
a. having a harley davidson road mishap;
b. losing balance and hitting yourself right into the wake during wakeboaring;
c. landing on a rocky ground from basejumping; or
d. falling inappropriately doing a macaco in a roda (capoeira)
if it were up to me, i'd probably choose (c) but any of those would be fine. those are cool ways to twist an ankle and in a tim-allen- caveman-voice-with-chest-thumping-from-home-improvement, boast it to everybody i know. more than it being an injury, i would carry it like a badge. but true to my form, the universe wouldn't have planned it that way. i ruined mine while falling from the stairs in a resort in anilao over the weekend.
before you raise your eyebrows and tell me that i'm one clumsy oaf, let me explain myself: the stairs didn't have any railing and the step was uneven. it was dark and the shadow from the wall covered the uneven portion of the step. i fell on the right side which was 3 to 4 steps high and fell into the bushes. if i lost my balance on the left side, i would have fallen into the abyss of about more than 50 feet (and that would have been miserable for everybody).
yes, i have not perfected the art of falling down the stairs despite the numerous times i did it. every week i had betadine on my arms or legs or both. my grandmother was probably so immune to it that she wasn't shocked anymore everytime i did it. she must have said, 'oh, there goes that big ball rolling down the stairs again.' and when i fell down over the weekend, she might have given a hearty laugh in her grave.
but then again, i'm not that young anymore and i'm more injure prone. i'll be quite immobile for a week or two. can't drive, can't walk properly, can't play tennis (for 2 to 3 freakin' months!), no diving, no gym, etc., etc. these are the facts that i have to live by for the next few months and will brace myself for whatever sort of inactivity that i'm or i'll be experiencing.
last week (before the injury), i was stuck with the thought of immobility and how being stuck in a black hole, in dense matter can make one feel down. how being unable to do things can make one suffer. it's difficult especially the fact that i base much of my life on activity and this large chunk of inactivity causes some dissonance within. but then again, it creates space and it gives me more time to learn new things or write new articles.
when the injury happened, i didn't feel as down as i would expect me to be. i was quite jolly, in fact. probably realized that i'm still whole and there will be other opportunities to dive. even if they were able to dive on that sunday, i didn't feel that i lacked anything. i wasn't furious nor envious. it's the way i looked at this certain event. and i still had a good time with the people i was with.
the feeling of immobility is only fleeting and this is just one of the stops on the road.
*****
i would like to thank the 2 fine ladies that drove for me over the past few days. my world is still normal with you guys around.
posted by lex @ 11:27 AM,
diversion: to the sea
Friday, October 14, 2005
these days, i am finding myself back at sea, more often than not. with trips to galera, laiya and anilao done for this year and a trip to bohol up soon, my thirst for the ocean waters still abound. i still can't believe that before graduating college, the number of times i've been by the shore could be counted by the fingers of my hand. seriously, the number of times i've actually seen the ocean was just a scant few. and to imagine now that in the water for an accumulated dive time of more than 2 days! i remembered there was even a time back in 2002 where i went out to sea for seven straight weeks (bolinao during weekdays for work and anilao and galera on weekends for leisure). at the end it, i was dark as a piece of coal and unrecognizable (as a human) at night except when i smiled.
even during the habagat where the sea becomes more rough than it is, i still love going out. not to say that i am reckless. i do respect the sea and would not dare go out during a typhoon. but there is a need to be near it even if dives are cancelled due to bad weather. the sea presents a different facet in these conditions and sometimes, i am fascinated by it.
indeed, i just love the ocean. it is such a compelling place to be in; the smell of the ocean and the energy of the waves lures me back to more and more of this wonder. there is a certain peace when i am out there. and if i would create my own c-card, i would not only say diver but also 'child of the sea' for indeed i am one. like a seashell whose memory is only of the ocean until it is brought back, i feel the same way.
it has some story to tell me: of past voyages, of migrating animals, of encompassing abundance; from time to time, i need to listen and immerse myself in it. moreover, there is something so gracious about the ocean; there is always a giving force. and every time i am underwater, i feel like i am back in the womb. i am in the body of mother earth itself. and though it is a voyage out, it seems as though that it is a journey inward as well; to encounter a part of myself.
my story is enmeshed with the story of the sea. no wonder i keep coming back to it.
posted by lex @ 8:41 PM,
thoughts for the road
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
ten realizations i had today:
1. 25 years old is not too young to take care of my body
2. some relationships do last
3. pepsi is indeed sweeter than coke
4. people need to move on
5. it only needs a small push to turn things around
6. being told you are disabled (physical or otherwise) is just a suggestion
7. some facts that we hold are just myths
8. dark chocolate really is that good
9. our days are numbered, endless
10. everything is
posted by lex @ 8:47 PM,
destination: the sacrament of goodbyes
i got an e-mail from tiffany on the article of paulo coelho, closing cycles. it just reminded me of an article i wrote 3 years ago on the same topic. i called it 'the sacrament of goodbyes' and was based on fr. james donelan's 'the sacrament of waiting'. i reworked some of the paragraphs in order to suit my situation today.
i do believe that we need to end parts of our lives at one time or another. and this is one of the reasons why i leave communities or why i end romantic relationships. when something starts to lack meaning and becomes a mere object, one must move on even if people do not understand. sometimes the mystery is just not brought forth anymore.
*****
"when your ship, long moored in harbour, gives you the illusion of being a house... put out to seas! save your boat's journeying soul, and your own pilgrim soul, cost what it may be."
- archbishop helder camara
i can't help but think about the state of 'moving on' as i turn a year older in a few days. a lot has changed over the course of the year. Just to name a few: i resigned from work, said goodbye to friends who left for other countries and transferred to a new house.
i remembered years ago when i left the house that i grew up in, i needed to physically detach myself from it. after 22 years of living in that house (and having fond memories of it), i needed to let go. and to move away from that centered comfort makes me think about it even more.
when i look at my own personal experience, this has not been the first time. i have said goodbye to good friends, to relatives who live abroad, to my school and to loved ones who passed away. sometimes, i actually refuse to face it but i am at that end. and being there requires maturity, discipline, unshakable faith and unwavering hope. this is not only in the difficult, gut-wrenching events in my life but rather it can also be seen in the everyday. i have seen myself saying goodbye: to friends going home after a gimmick, at the end of telephone conversations, to people who i visit and to my parents as i go to work.
letting go, moving on, saying goodbye and being at the end -- it is part of our lives. whether we like it or not, it is weaved into the very fabric of our being. and as such, it is a mystery that fills us: a certain meaningfulness and subjectiveness; a natural sacrament of our lives.
and the only way to immerse in it is to live it.
how can we accept our jobs if we have not learned to let go of school? how do we allow other people to flourish if we do not allow them to lead their own lives? how are we able to let go if we have not learned to accept that people do indeed move on? in understanding that other people have commitments, that they need to grow and find their own lives, we learn to move on as well. people need to heed their calls. when lovers cannot unearth meaning and joy in their relationship, they have to first patiently wait and rekindle. and when all has been done and letting go is the best resolve, then there must be an acceptance of distancing and moving away fom intimacy, even if it hurts. we ourselves have to find our own meaning, our own centeredness and our own unfolding.
but why do we have say goodbye? there is no simple answer. it is a demand that life imposes on us. roads have ends, flowers must wilt, the sun will set and the music will stop. people move on to the next stage of their lives. in this, love must be given, while none is expected. it is only when we have truly been able to let go that we have loved somebody other than ourselves.
and the beauty of it is that we allow ourselves to know what love means. and only then do we realize that it is a gift.
but as all mysteries are, this must not be rushed nor be delayed. as with God's perfect timing, it comes at the point of aptness. (may sadyang kahulugan.) there is a destination that we seek. and with this, the movement of moving away is filled with so much hope and faith. we hold to the fragile threads that makes us continue on living and the Spirit allows us to immerse in it fully.
posted by lex @ 10:34 AM,
joyride: baguio tripping
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
i went on a daytrip to baguio over the weekend (arrived 8 am on a saturday and left 3 am the next day, so technically it was less than 24 hours and hence, a daytrip). it was a tiring yet fruitful experience. but i would never have done this a few months ago, let alone when i was younger.
truthfully, i hated baguio when i was an adolescent. the city wasn't that compelling enough to go on a daytrip. i'd go to davao any day but baguio -- no freakin' way! just remembering the smell of horse dung (huwhat?!), the urban un-planning, the disorder of session road and all that chaos made it the last place on my checklist. i felt it wasn't worth it. if it can be avoided, i would.
so why the sudden change of heart?
well, i was actually there for a photo exhibit of a friend, a.g. saño in bliss café but i've seen the exhibit back in manila last january. i also wanted to go to ben-hur villanueva to show my potfolio but didn't have time to. so, what made me go this time around? of course, i was compelled to show support for my friend and present my portfolio to an artist that i admire. and to be with friends that i can level off and have a great time with when i travel, that is indeed a gift. but then there is another lure that tugs at my heart.
baguio is a place of artistic bounty. nooks and crannies are filled with unique artworks. just walk along session road and you'll see the gaudi-ish work of kidlat de guia on the sidewalk. go to tam-awan village and be inspired by works of different local and foreign artists. walk across it and you'll be in the workshop of ben-hur. spend an afternoon in bliss café and be immersed in a world of zen. eat breakfast at little john's and draw sceneries on your paper placemat.
anywhere you go in baguio screams of art. a photographer will always have a subject in this place. a hundred shots can be taken outside the dangwa bus station, ukay-ukay or the market. case in point: that weekend, gari b.'s digital camera was going around from person to person taking shots of subjects that they want. it was fun to have this much freedom taking photographs. it was an exploration of capturing art itself. indeed, the spontaniety and uniqueness of it all delves into creation and each creator is linked to the Creator Himself; that there is a glimpse of the divine when we create.
(coolness.)
but there are a lot of things that are still the same. wright park still smells of horse dung. there is still urban mayhem. people still double park on session road. and the city is as chaotic as ever. but i've learned to accept it. what changed is the way i saw baguio. it has becoma a place where i catch a glimpe of my own heaven. and when i find a need, i go, even only for a daytrip.
*****
so, when will the next trip be?
posted by lex @ 11:53 PM,
a new on-ramp: rebirth
Monday, October 03, 2005
"you can make a fresh start with your final breath."
- bertolt brecht
what if someone told you that you were going to die at a specific date and time? what would you do?
when i was asked as such, i felt like i was the male version of veronika in 'veronika decides to die' by paolo coehlo. when she was told that she only had a number of days to live, she wanted to live it to the fullest. initially, she felt an apprehension to live it because it was only a few days left and she was resigned to it. but the shortness of it allowed her to take the situation as it is and be engaged in each and every moment.
initially, i was taken aback by the thought of it. i mean i knew i was leading a pretty full life. i took risks and love going off on adventures. but was anything lacking? was i denying something of myself? there were still a few and this was the right time to face it: letters to give and closures to complete. in my case as well, there was so much willfulness at the end of it. i didn't care about what other people thought about anymore and just do what i had to do.
i was able to have closure with the relationship i have with a certain girl. i was able to communicate with an old friend. i gave my parents letters that i should have given months ago. i ate my green tea ice cream. i e-mailed friend and said a short thank you. i gave books away. i went to the new college of architecture building in u.p.and marveled at the structure. i bought my mom flowers for no reason at all. i paid for a ticket that i haven't paid for in a long time. i looked at the stars. i saw a beautiful sunset. i drove more slowly and was less tempered in my driving. i had (and have) a certain calmness that i am satisfied with this life.
this newness carried me to another plane, a rebirth. this is the life that i have and there is no looking back. sting once said that taking risks carry us into a state of grace. i definitely believe that. and though mistakes are made, there is always a fresh start. i had head knowledge of this before, but to actually expereince it was a journey on it's own. over the weekend, i was talking with a couple of friends and one of them was telling me that some experiences actually break you but they also renew you.
this was one of those. i had to be broken and changed in order to be a better person. especially with the girl, i was broken but i didn't allow myself to be renewed. and this was a brilliant opportunity to do so.
when faced with the thought of death, i realized how life is important. when you actually let death stare at your face, you tend to walk the tightrope of your own life and take the risks. all i needed was a push. i knew that there was a certain willfulness to do such an undertaking: that this is what i decide to do today. what got me was to see some things as important and others as unimportant.
with all the things that held me to the past, i let go of. it felt good not to be riddled and be preoccupied with the things that held me down. the present is what remains.
but more than anything else, i felt a sense of total gratitude. that life is good to me. that i am blessed. that in those 25 years, i expereinced fullness. wow.
when i wake up tomorrow, i will be so thankful that there will be another day. and that will be the beginning of the rest of my life.
*****
thanks, jim. that was a great class.
posted by lex @ 6:53 PM,
