crossroads: the inescapable presence of silence
Monday, September 26, 2005
no tv. no newspapers. no books. no radio. no music. minimum use of internet (just for e-mail and blogging).
in a creative class of jim paredes, we've been asked to deprive ourselves of the different types of media. first and foremost, this is to allow creativity to come in without the trappings and expectations of society, especially that of our country's unbearable media (on a side note: i would definitely not be creative by watching kris aquino). secondly, which i think is more important, is that this kind of deprivation allows more space for thinking. it gives for more opportunity to have a breathing room and dwell on personal longings and dreams.
i don't watch much television (except for rockstar: inxs and tennis matches). i only read the newspaper for less than 10 minutes in the morning (with the comics section being the longest). those things were easy for me to give up. but i surf the net, read a lot of books and music fills my everyday. these are the things that i needed to let go, even for a while. though i haven't really been faithful with the minimum use of the internet (still reading other people's blogs and use internet forums), i've been able to reflect a lot: on getting older, current involvements, career path and relationships.
man, the space that i have to think is quite immense. i enjoy quiet moments but allowing moments of fear, discomfort and doubt to enter? to let the unbearable lightness of being sink in? to dig deep again and go back into a quarter life crisis? to engage in past regrets? with these thoughts in mind, it's so tempting to turn on the television, get a book from my shelf or open i-tunes and just shut these thoughts up.
but then again, revising my personal map towards my true north seems so compelling. to experience abundance over and over again, each and every day, to breathe life into my longings and dreams: this is what draws me to this experience. to go though this would be to allow a space to have my being utterly renewed.
i still have a week left in this class and i still don't know what to do in the next few months, let alone for the rest of my life. but i need this now to be sane/crazy (whichever way you look at it) for the rest of my life.
posted by lex @ 12:06 PM,
down memory lane: the game of love
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
i still remember falling in love with tennis 15 years ago in noontime sweltering heat, having played for 4 hours and asking for 2 more of the same conditions. never mind if i started playing it like baseball, thinking that homers would give me points. never mind if i had to do push-ups with fatigued arms for mistakes i made. never mind that i wasn't as technically sound as the other junior players. all i knew then was that when i whacked the ball, i felt good.
i've tried other sports over the course of the years, but it seems that i always come back to this one. a special bond, i might say. tennis has always been close to my heart. 15 years down the road, i've learned to understand the intricacies of the sport.
it is a game of rituals. i have my own set of preparations: opening my can of tennis balls; cleaning the dust on the painted lines with my shoes; shaking the dirt of my soles with my racquet; preparing to receive a serve; twisting of the handle of the racquet in between strikes of the ball. it gives me the space that i need to string points together and remain competitive over the course of an hour.
it is a game of respect. opponents will be too good at times. they deserve an applause. and the only way to win is to respect the game of the other. first and foremost, i am able to play because of my opponent. i find new heights in my game when pushed by a good opponent. i look forward to be on the other side of the net of a good competitor.
it is a game of tenacity. the player who wins is the one who could hold his nerves better. missed chances may occur often but what matters is that one moves on from those. this is not a game for the light-hearted. it is a game of mistakes where line calls may or may not be correct. where points can be made with the length of a hairstrand. where a ball hitting a netcord can land anywhere. where heart and courage, above all else, are the measures of success.
it is a game where you cannot hide your true self. especially in singles, a player cannot mask his state, or even his emotions. this even happens with the best of 'em. i remember the time when pete sampras played in the 1996 us open where he had his heart on his sleeve. a man not known for showing his emotions, looked so sullen and yet so determined on court when he just lost his coach tim gullikson to brain cancer at the age of 44. he actually cried on court when he played against alex corretja on that fortnight. it's bringing what you have on court and laying whatever cards you have.
i've uncovered a lot about myself playing tennis. and if and when i do decide to have a family, i definitely want my children to learn this sport. it has taught me a lot and i hope and pray that this sport will give to them as much as it has given me. it was, and still is, the game that i play. and at the end of the day, whatever the scoreline is, it will always be game, set, match and both the winner and the loser will walk of the court.
it is a sport for the ages. a sport where a man stands and faces his demons. a sport where the word 'love' is built upon. a sport where life itself is mimicked so subtlely, yet so profoundly.
indeed, i have found my sport.
posted by lex @ 10:51 AM,
mataya-taya
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i've been tagged by honey to do a survey on a list of sevens. so here goes:
seven things that scare me
1. being dropped off in a den of lions in the middle of serengeti
2. being in a bank when it is being robbed
3. being in perpetual limbo, or as jon used to call it, eternal pagkabitin
4. being attacked by a great white during a dive
5. watching nothing else but willie revillame 24/7 (oh, help me if that happens!)
6. when i open the door of my room, i still end up in my room and open the door again and end up in my room again and try opening the door again and yet still be in my room again and again and again... (this really gives me shudders!)
7. losing all the rainforest cover that we have in this world
seven things i like the most
1. tennis
2. wine
3. dogs
4. books
5. cd's
6. lego
7. bubble wrap
seven random facts about me
1. my favorite section in the supermarket is the detergent section. i look like an addict (sniffing for minutes on end) when i'm there.
2. my heroes (people i really admire) include norwegian speed skater johann olav koss, urbanpromise founder bruce main, italian award-winning architect renzo piano and filipino physicist ceasar saloma.
3. i've had three lives at the age of 25: a marine researcher, a person working in makati (which i would never want to be defined by), and a camp facilitator.
4. i designed the current house that i'm living in (with the help of a structural engineer).
5. the fastest time that i drove from makati to the house in quezon city was 12 minutes flat. it was in the middle of the night but i was tipsy at that time. that was a few years ago and i would never drive like that again. (this is me getting a bit older.) but some of my friends still call me a rally car driver. hahaha!
6. as of today, i have 221 friends in my friendster list.
7. last movie i watched was hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. that was an unusual but funny film!
seven things in my bedroom
(edit: i removed the word important)
1. of course being a bedroom, it's supposed to have a bed!
2. poster of muhammad ali
3. my laptop
4. books
5. clothes
6. rainmaker
7. upland drum from sri lanka
seven things i plan to do before i die
i actually have 50 things to do before i die but i'm only being asked 7.
1. learn how to surf (siargao, here i come!)
2. living in another country for graduate studies
3. look at the ceiling of the sistine chapel
4. swim with dolphins
5. trek to machu picchu
6. watch tennis in wimbledon
7. go skydiving
seven things i can do
1. roll and twirl my tongue
2. transplant a coral (cut, transport and cement) underwater
3. do non-linear video editing
4. cook and bake
5. peel a kiwi in less than 10 seconds
6. do the bow in capoeira
7. play hardcore poker
seven things i can't do
1. bike (yes, for all the things i do, i don't know how to bike, but i'm still determined to learn before the age of 30)
2. move from an overhang in a climbing wall
3. understand the game of cricket
4. do a handstand
5. teleport to another place
6. stop time
7. levitate
seven things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. can carry her own things (especially on hikes or treks!)
2. likes to go on adventures
3. can carry a good conversation
4. laughs at my jokes
5. has a good world view
6. has dreams and aspirations
7. if a filipino, nationalistic (has a heart for the country)
seven things i say the most
1. astig!
2. ingat!
3. ayt!
4. good.
5. talaga?
6. sige...
7. dude, pare, etc.
seven celeb crushes
i used to have a crush on juday, but since i met her, it has changed! hahaha!
1. mylene dizon
2. audrey hepburn
3. angel locsin
4. zhang ziyi
5. kristen dunst (especially in crazy/beautiful)
6. jun ji hyun (of my sassy girl)
7. kimiko date (a former tennis player)
*****
new blog banner:
posted by lex @ 7:19 PM,
captivated by kiukok
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
it was a dance like nothing i've ever seen. sharp-edged and twisted, the dancers displayed anger, hate, anguish, provocation, eroticism, love, hope, birth and death. it was a dance of momentariness, worldliness but at the same time provided the palpable quality of the eternal. they were movements that speak of our own personhood, of qualities we speak of, and sometimes what we refuse to speak of. the movements even question the labels that you put on yourself.
it's been ages since i've seen a dance that makes you reflect philosophically.
sitting in balcony 2 in the ccp main theater, i was astounded by the shapes and movements that these dancers brought. based on the paintings of kiukok, the company brought to life the enormous emotionality of each brushstroke of this national artist. when they played on the theme of death, they focused on how a man struggles with that thought and yet cannot escape it. frailty but achieving more and more a sense of wholeness (even if it is seen in glimpses). it showed what we hold true in our lives and it is indeed the ultimate test of how we love (and love itself).
after watching the dance, i've found a greater appreciation of kiukok's work. i've been a fan since his works were introduced to me by one of my classmates in the university. i thank people like these who open up my eyes and bring greater depth to my person. thanks. it really makes me even more proud to be filipino.
note: painting copyright of ang kiukok
posted by lex @ 9:50 AM,
